SUNSHINE KID DETECTIVE AGENCY

SUNSHINE KID DETECTIVE AGENCY

by william 

my favourite colour is 

brown

I have my own small private detective business that I call “SUNSHINE KID DETECTIVE AGENCY”. I bring light and a childlike innocence to each and every case!

My last case was pretty cushy…all I did was sit in my car watching the combination gas station, liquor…video store. I sat there for a few days watching how many times my subject frequented the place. His wife thought he was fucking one of the employees. All she wanted from me was when he came and how many times he came...into the store that is. Fine with me. I just sat there listening to books on cassette tape, drinking coffee and eating cinnamon buns. She paid up front in cash (a rarity) and even slipped in a bit of hash.

Love the valley, man.

CHAPTER 1:  The thing was...I didn't know what this dude was up to. As far as I could tell, the only people working there when he went in was an older Korean man and his son. But, the thing that I couldn't understand was that every time my subject came out of the store, and this worked out to an average of 1.5 times per day, he would come out carrying...nothing!

I couldn't figure it out. The guy goes in nearly twice a day and comes out with nothing?

So, i'm sitting there in the car one day, smoking some hash...and I get to thinking on things like KRISHNAMURTI...like really analyzing the situation...going through all the possibilities and probabilities...graphs and slide rulers flicker through my mind...pie charts and calculations...you know, that kind of stuff.

But, what got my mind turning like a hamster wheel was that it appeared my subject was holding someone's hand every time he left the store...like he was with the INVISIBLE WOMAN! The valley was weird and all...but Invisible Women!?!?

And then I got to thinking, what it would be like to date an Invisible Woman?...having intimate conversations that from an outsider looking in, it might seem like I was talking to myself or being really friendly to my potted plants...and what about sex? How would you know how to coordinate things? Carry a compass perhaps?

And what if you really fell in love and wanted to go out and about with each other?...like going ice skating or going to summer solstice parties and having to introduce her to friends and family...shit man, inter-racial dating was one thing, but an Invisible Woman as your mistress!?!?

Maybe I had this dude all wrong though...here I was assuming he was just another 9-5er, beer drinking, hockey watching, meat and potatoes kind of guy...when in fact he was a WARLOCK!

And then I wondered...if I should tell my client that her husband was a WARLOCK and that he was having an affair with the INVISIBLE WOMAN...

...wow...hmmm...that was some good fucking hash man!...really helped me to think outside of the box.

I reached for my pen, opened up my work binder and scribbled down “case solved”…closed the book shut, started the car, and drove back home.

Driving back home my crotch started to itch, which meant something was about to happen. I've started to really use this new found intuitive ability to my advantage. I call it the “JEHOVAH'S TOUCH” because the first time I really listened to the itch in my crotch it caused me to get up out of my extremely comfortable couch position and look out my front window where I saw a pair of Jehovah witnesses walking up my driveway. I quickly scooted over to my clothes hamper, did a quick wardrobe change and opened the door with nothing but a pair of tight purple yoga pants on and my mouth filled with chocolate.

They freaked out like FRANK ZAPPA, man!

I've trusted in the crotch itch ever since. It's alerted me to cops, bill collectors and other undesirables. Friends try and tell me i've gotten that crotch itch, because I tend to wear long johns year round...point taken...but i'm sticking to my guns on this one, and so when my crotch started to itch when I was driving home…I listened. I began to toss stuff out the car window...beer cans, roaches, used condoms...slowed down to 20 km/h...put on my seat belt, adjusted my mirrors...and made my face feel tired and worn out, like I was just coming home from a double shift at the wood mill. All precautionary measures were checked off and I felt a bit more relaxed as I pulled into the safety of my driveway, but I didn't let my guard down as I put the car in park and got out.

My crotch was still itching like a son of a bitch, and I gotta tell you, I was yearning to stuff my hand down there and give it a full fingernail scratch down!

But the itch kept my mind focused, alert. I needed that itch like a baker needed his dough, like an afro needed a pick...like...like I said I needed that focus, that edge. I could hear that bird that sounds like it's saying “cheeseburger, cheeseburger” which almost made my brain slip, cause it made me kind of hungry for a cheeseburger, but i'm a trained professional here, so I let that thought go...

The sun was reflecting off my collection of hubcaps that I had hanging from the elder tree in my yard. It blinded me, so I put on my sunglasses.

I could feel a little nip in the air...cold front moving in, rain tomorrow I quickly deducted and filed away.

I could smell the marijuana in the wind. It smelled real good, it was coming from my grow op in my “root cellar” that I had out back which caused a small fire of alarm to break out in my head...what if?...a noisy neighbour had sniffed it out and had...but I quickly stamped that fire out before it became wild and spread.

Hmmm...i suddenly had a craving for some cheezies...my high was starting to wear off...i started to sweat...needed to sit down...felt suddenly overwhelmed.

Forgetting about my itch I stumbled inside, reached into the fridge to grab a beer and fell into the couch....took a swig and closed my eyes.

“Feel better?” Said a voice.

“Yeah, I do...thanks.”

“That's good.”

“Yeah it is good, i've been a little tense lately.”

“Can I give you a back massage?”

“Yeah, sure, that might be nice...wait a second, a back massage!?!...a voice!?!?” I popped my eyes open and leaped up and into a series of well respected kung fu moves.

“Bet you weren't expecting anyone did ya?” A woman with a skinned head and a pair of needles and yarn said while sitting at my kitchen table.

“What are you doing in my bus!?”

“I heard you're a detective and I have some work for you,” she said twirling the knitting needles in such a way that I was scared and slightly aroused at the same time.

I took a swig of beer, which turned into a chug, and put the empty bottle on the table and took a quick peak out of the corner of my eyes to see if I had any suitable weapons around, but didn't get too far past her exposed breast line.

“I'll get you another cold one,” she said getting up and pushing me back down onto the couch with one finger.

“I...ahhhh...how did you get in here?” I said taking the fresh beer from her.

“Note on the door said c'mon in”

“Ah fuck, I forgot to take that down, that was meant for somebody else a couple of months ago.”

“Your girlfriend?”

“Yeah...no...i mean...it got complicated.”

“Sorry.”

“Not your fault.”

“Sorry.”

“Don't worry about it, no big deal...you smoke weed?” I asked.

“Only with Billy Bob I do.”

“Billy Bob?...christ, you can't get anymore country than that.”

“Billy Bob says this valley will become a desert one day, and we need to start preparing for it now. So we smoke weed or take this really interesting drug that we got and think about what it would be like to live in a desert.”

“Trippy.” I said reaching under the cushion and pulling out a tin.

“Why do you live in a bus?” She said looking around.

“Well, it's a bus that doesn't run anymore. Friend of mine gave it to me, said he didn't need it anymore where he was going.” I said pinching a good chunk of premo Kush into an extra large hemp rollie...licked it and then put it in my mouth while I searched around for the lighter.

“Looking for this?” She said throwing over a pink lighter which I caught in mid-air.

“Mmmx” I mumbled lighting up the joint and taking a deep inhale. “What's your name?”

“My friends call me Heart cause I have a big heart, especially with my animal friends. If I see a dog or cat that looks like they're abandoned I ask Billy Bob if I can bring them home with me...i like people too.”

“Do you bring home lots of people if they look abandoned?”

“I most definitely do. Billy Bob likes it when I do that.”

I offered a toke to heart, but she just giggled and shook her head. I took another big hit and then ashed out so I could save the rest for later.

“What's your name?” She asked while beginning to knit what looked like a winter scarf to my not very trained knitting eye.

“uh...Hopper...Hopper's my name.”

“heheheh” she laughed, “like a little grasshopper?”

“People usually just call me Hopper.”

“Do you believe sex can bring you closer to god, Hopper?” She said to me seriously.

“Man, that's a deep question you brought to the proceedings Heart...let's take a look at it...”

“Would you like to have sex with me, Hopper?” She said cutting me off, as she stood up and pulled off her dress, revealing her naked body.

“Through god's own eyes, would you look at that...well, heart lets just see how close to god we can get.”

“Good, he wouldn't have liked it if you said no.”

“God or...” I said taking note of my crotch itch, which I dismissed as she straddled me and took my shirt off.

I leaned my head back and looked out at an upside down sky and saw a murder of crows fly by. They landed on the roof of the bus. I closed my eyes and floated with wings towards the sun...alive...with the wind...flying high up in the sky...flying with crows winds...crows...you know, I don't really like crows too much...and man I must be flying pretty close to that sun cause i'm getting kind of hot...too hot...it's burning my wings!

HOLY SHIT! I'M ON FIRE!...my wings are burning off...i'm falling...falling, falling, falling...

“AHHHHHH!!!” I screamed out and my head shot forward as I awoke out of my dream. I went to get up, but Heart was sleeping on my legs.

“Bad dream their friend?” I heard a voice speak out from the corner of the bus.

“Well...started off good, and then ended up being bad,” i said wiping off the drool from my mouth and groping around to see if I could luck out and find that half a joint without moving. “And now i'm not sure if i'm still dreaming cause i'm hearing a strange man's voice coming from the dark side of my bus.”

“You know, KENNEDY knew there was an alien race living on the dark side of the moon.”

“PINK FLOYD did to.”

“I like your sense of humour friend. How'd you like my little girl there?”

“You must be Billy Bob?”

“The one and only.” He said getting up into the light, revealing a man well over 6 feet tall, 200 plus pounds and covered in tattoos that looked like they were done in prison.

Gulp.

“Nice to meet you.”

“The pleasure is all mind,” he said reaching out a hand that was connected to an arm that depicted a giant snake.

I gave him the wimpiest handshake of all time...it was either that or shit my pants! I smiled a weak smile, and he gave me a huge shit eating grin and sat down at the table and started twirling the knitting needles...this time I wasn't aroused.

Long dreadlocks and a long beard covered his face like a clearcut that was then left to be wild and natural, once again. Two sparkling stars for eyes twinkled and winkled at me. Around his neck was a collection of teeth...

“I collected these teeth myself,” Billy Bob said.

“What are those...animal teeth?...like bears?”

“Well, what I got here Hopper, is some bear like you said, also got me some coyote, deer...cougars...even a couple of human teeth.”

“Not a bad collection you got there,” i said rubbing my lower jaw.

Heart began to stir awake on my lap. I would've like to have gotten up, but I was naked and not used to meeting new people with teeth necklaces without any clothes on...not that Billy Bob would've minded.

“I'm interested in your services Hopper.”

“Okay, how bout you come back during office hours and we can...”

“I wish it was going to be that simple my friend, but I need to know that you can be trusted. I need to know that you are my friend. So i'm going to need you to come with me.”

“Right now?”

“If you don't mind.”

“Of course I...” mind I was about to say, until I looked down and saw daggers in Hearts eye, stabbing into me. Daggers made from black coals that hinted at small West Virginia mining towns, with winds that carried the smell of burnt toast and black hearts...ghosts of trapped miners and dead dogs howling at the full moon.

It all felt creepy in a cartoony, SCOOBY-DOO, kind of way.

“Of course I would be glad to go with you,” i finished.

“I knew you would...my friend,” he said getting up and moving towards me.

The next thing I knew I awoke to the sound of chainsaws and Nazi salutes.

“We are re-appropriating the Nazi salute,” Heart whispered into my ear. She was holding my head and running her fingers through my hair. We were also both still naked. She stood up and offered her hand to me, pulling me up to my feet.  In front of us were two rows of people who were standing and saluting at us.

I gulped in a mountain valley breeze that had the slight taste of larch in it.

“Don’t be afraid,” Heart said as she reached her hand around my ass and gave it a squeeze.

“Groovy,” I whispered back. I should’ve been a bit more freaked out at the scene, but the night mountain air had stirred my wee wee into consciousness and had what they used to call in high school, a raging boner. Nobody seemed to care it seemed at the appearance of a rocket in my pocket…for they all seemed caught up in the ceremony…as Heart and I began to move forward, walking steadily underneath the Nazi-love salutes…drawing with each step, closer to a big bonfire.

“Don’t be afraid my little grasshopper, but we must walk through the fire.”

Of course we must, I thought to myself and after that I’m sure you’ll tie me to an inverted cross and burn me to death!

The crazy thing was, that I didn’t feel the fire at all as we walked through it… could’ve been because I was still drugged with whatever they had slipped me back on the bus, or maybe it was the adrenaline rush of fear, or maybe there was a sort of correlation between drugs, fear and boners that enabled you to walk through blazing bonfires unscathed? I wondered if firemen had blazing boners? The truth was, that I was feeling pretty darn good with things overall…I was feeling balanced, calm, like I had in fact accomplished a great feat...that I had some kind of meaning in my life.

Well, that was probably the drugs talking…wonder what they gave me anyhow?...not bad stuff. The moon was huge and blue, I laughed at the thought that it might be cheese and I could eat it. Heart seemed to read my mind and laughed with me.

“Would you like more free sex?” She asked like a rutting buck in the woods.

“Might as well make things more freaky then they already are.”

Heart led me to a small barn that was stacked with straw bales and we lay down and made love. After, I dozed off I began to dream of HITLER and GOEBBELS. They were really sad and bummed out. They were sitting in a jail cell and were telling me that if they were allowed to have been the artists that they had wanted to be they wouldn’t have killed all those people.

“Support your local artists, Hopper,” Hitler said to me, reaching out with a bloody hand and shaking my shoulder lightly.

I woke up, and not only did I wake up, but I woke up needing to buy some art!...and not only did I wake up needing to buy some art, but I woke up with a whole gaggle of giggling skinheaded women sitting in a circle around me. Heart was gone and I was still unclothed.

The women were giggling and singing in harmonies. They were dressed in simple work clothes.

“Good morning!” They sang.

A woman with freckles asked me if I was their friend?

“Sure.”

“Are you in love with Heart?” They all sang to me.

“She’s…” I began to speak and then suddenly a high pitched howl was heard. The women immediately stopped singing and raised their heads to the sky in sync and listened. They saluted me and filed out of the barn.

Fuck man, i’m in the middle of a MANSON FAMILY jam here. I could hear the sound of sheep somewhere and the sun was filtering in through the cracks in the roof and I was feeling hungry. Now it’s one thing to be naked and on drugs…but it was another thing to be naked and sober and in broad daylight. I needed to find Billy Bob and see what was going on and then get a ride home so I could meditate on things. In short, I was ready for this trip to come to an end.

Billy Bob, however, was a tough guy to find. Matter of fact, finding anybody seemed tough. A small clearing where last nights fire was…was the only compass point I could locate. A series of bush-wacked trails led off into the mountain forest. I tried one and it led to another trail, which led to another trail, which led me back to the fire pit. A maze of sorts. I started to feel angry and frustrated and started to think that Billy Bob could go fuck himself, and that I wasn’t taking on his stupid case.

The sun was beginning to get hot and I was being stretched to the breaking point. And so I did the only sensible thing…I began to howl…I lost myself in that howling, and it was in that lost, that I became found. People started coming out of the forest in ones and twos and threes…they came and hugged me and then sat down around me in a circle. Then Heart came out, and did the same. At last Billy Bob came, hugged me and led me up a trail where we came upon a series of dwellings. Dwellings made of wood and roofs with gardens on them. These homes were almost invisible to the untrained eye. We went into one...it was sparsely furnished. Tables and chairs made with fallen trees. A fire pit made of stone was in the middle, where a small fire was going. Pot with tea was steaming. Billy Bob motioned for me to sit and I did, on the hard packed dirt floor. Heart appeared and sat next to me, stroking my cheek.

“I appreciate you being patient with us,” he said pouring out some tea, and handing me a cup.

“What’s in this, if I may ask?”

“Not to worry my friend, a simple bled of Lemon Balm and Chamomile…calming.”

I took the cup and took a sip.

“I had to take precautions you know, make sure I could fully trust in you…and I feel I can…I need your help. I have what you might say is the opposite of a missing persons case.”

Billy Bob started to pick a scab off of his elbow, causing it to bleed.

“A found persons case?” I said sneaking a peak at Heart’s breasts…a much nicer sight for my eyes than watching Billy Bob pick at a bloody scab.

“Of sorts…I need you to find…me.”

“You!” I blurted out, spilling tea on my crotch.

“Me.”

“But, you’re here in front of me? Unless you’re a ghost or…”

“Or dead.”

“Man, you look pretty alive and well from my perspective.”

“I have been reborn.”

“Jesus.”

“He’s a friend.”

“A friend?” I said as my mind began to float away on a cloud made of cotton candy. Higher and higher we floated getting closer and closer to the stars that were made of peppermint, or so it was told to me and so I was led to believe. My father told me these things once upon a time. When we were young he pointed to a bright star in the night sky and told me that my mother was waiting there for me. Sometimes I’m reminded of these things... sometimes I need to think in this way. The cotton candy cloud wasn’t going up anymore, it was going down, and when I looked under the cloud I saw little piranha monsters chewing on my clouds, deflating it back down to earth…

“Hopper, Hopper what did you see?” Heart asked me, softly touching my shoulder.

“I almost saw my mom again.”

“She’s dead?”

“She is,” I said and sat up…surprised to see that Billy Bob was gone…how long was I out for?”

“About as long as it would take to read a Dr. Seuss book…like CAT IN THE HAT.”

“Or THE GRINCH WHO STOLE CHRISTMAS.”

“Do you love me Grasshopper?”

“Hmm, well, I suppose I do, nothing too deep though.”

“As deep as a small pond?”

“A small pond with a Willow tree beside it.”

“If you love me no matter how deeply, you will love Billy Bob just as much,” Heart said taking both my hands in hers and looking deeply into my eyes.

“How much is…Billy Bob…are you and Billy Bob together?”

“We are one.”

“In the Buddhist sense or…”

“I’m a friend…yes…”

“Friend I know, but…” But when I said that word my mind began to float off again, the word seemed to hold some sort of magical properties. Next thing I knew I was on the cotton candy cloud making love to Heart…

Afterwords, we lay and watched shooting stars and the moon full of glow. We fell asleep and the sun rose, warm on my face. I awoke and found myself back in my bus, naked still, but with a heart tattooed around my heart…

“Holy shit!” I exhaled out a word cloud…”that was fucking trippy man!”

I took the rest of that day off, and you know what I needed to do? Put some clothes on, that’s what I needed to do! Flush out the system, get clean...get some clarity back. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to take on this case or not? Did I have a choice though?...probably not. In that case Billy Bob would be back sooner or later. And when that happened I wanted a few more bullets in the chamber. Find out what I could on this Cult of Billy Bob…see what his angle was.

Anyway, like I said I needed some R&R…so I puttered around with my plants. Watered some and fertilized some others. Came back outside to a sky on fire! Was it the end of the world? For you...me...and all the little squirrels?...naw man, it was just a really nice sunset. Decided to sit outside and smoke a joint. Watched the smoke swirl and twirl. Deep red sky bleeding into the mountainside. Got me thinking. Why did they want me anyhow? What made me so special? And what about Heart? Did she really love me? And was all that sex really free? The Kush was getting me all heady, so I decided to take a walk. Stopped off at the local playground and watched some kids running around. The kids were screaming and laughing and having fun. Man, not enough of that in the adult world. Stayed there for a bit, smiling and laughing till I started to feel a bit paranoid that I was looking like a pedophile on the cruise. I then cruised on up to the café for a latte. My hunger started to kick up a notch and it happened to be wing night. So I sat down to a pound of organic barbeque wings. Finished up when I felt a tickle on my pubes. Something was up so I nonchalantly wiped my mouth and took a look around. The place was busy but not packed. No line up or anything like that. Some musicians were setting up their gear in the corner. But as I was finishing up my scan I caught the eye of a guy sitting across the room at a table. He quickly looked off my eyes, took a sip from his beer and began to read his book. He was drinking either the hemp ale or the honey, but couldn’t tell what book he was reading though. Lonely? Gay? Just taking a break from the page and was innocently looking around? Or was there something more? Something hidden? I’d never seen the guy before. Winlaw was a small town, and a fairly transient one. Lots of lost souls drifting in and out…also lots of people hiding up in the mountains. Hiding from the law, hiding from someone, hiding from themselves. Statistics said 400 people or so, I thought there was more. This guy could just be passing through, or maybe he was a seasonal worker, growing some outdoor herb and then bugging off down to Ecuador with a bag full of cash.

Nothing about his appearance said he was flush with money though, at least not yet…worn hikers, brown denim pants, with yellow and purple paint smears. Artist? Or paints houses? Faded green army jacket…hair cut short…couple of months worth of beard…looked to be in his 30’s.

Hard to say based on his appearance what he was up to. Never judge just on appearances was a chapter in the P.I. BIBLE.

I finished up. Paid in cash and made my way past his table. Noticed he didn’t look up when I walked by.

Night sky was settling in. The sky was melancholy dark blue. Got home and after a quick look round saw that I was alone. Should have picked up a movie. Instead I closed the blinds and did some yoga and a short meditation until I felt dozy. Took the cushions off the couch and pulled out the bed. My crotch didn’t itch, which was a nice change and I soon went to sleep.

CHAPTER 2:  Being a Private Investigator and solving cases is like putting a jigsaw puzzle together... Some cases are easy, like putting together 25 large sized puzzle pieces. And some are more difficult, like a 1,500 piece puzzle set, with half of the puzzle being blue sky. Either type though, was fine by me. The harder ones seemed to pay less, but I would learn something about myself in the process. The easy ones were good too. They were the ones where everything all seemed to fall into place with very little effort.

Like the time I was hired to find a missing hockey jersey. Now wasn't just any jersey…this was hockey star SIDNEY CROSBY’S Team Canada hockey jersey. It seemed Sydney had sent it by mail to the hockey hall of fame in Toronto, but it never arrived.

At the time I was dating a woman who was a friend of a friend with Sydney Crosby’s family. It got around to them that I was a well respected investigator and I was soon hired. Now how it got around I was well respected, I wasn’t sure. To be honest, at that time I was feeling pretty bummed out, as I wasn’t doing too much in the way of solving cases. In fact the last case I had solved was finding a 13 year olds retainer by looking through their household garbage. Not much of an ego boost on that one.

I remember, I was even contemplating a career change and going back to school. Getting a degree in what, I didn’t know. Anyway, I think my girlfriend pulled some strings for me, so I could get some kind of momentum going. Start feeling good about myself. Truthfully, I think she arranged the whole thing so she could get some more action in the sack. My low self esteem causing a low libido, and I think she wanted to give me a kick start in that department.

So, I took on the case, and as luck would have it…I solved it. Turned out that Sydney had put down the wrong postal code and it ended up at some gramma’s house still in its box on her kitchen table. The gramma didn’t want to open it, because she thought it was a Christmas present from her son, and so she was waiting until December 25^th.

So, I got a little publicity out of it, got some more clients and cases. Opened up an office and most important...my girlfriend got some loving...things were looking good.

Man, things were looking real good. You see, when I was growing up I used to watch P.I. shows like “Magnum P.I.” and the “Rockford Files”. Other kids grew up wanting to be football players or actors but I wanted to be a private investigator.

I also watched this Canadian show on TV called “THE LITTLEST HOBO” and it was about this dog that drifted around the country. Going from town to town, never settling down. But, every place he went to he managed to do good…help out. Save someone, or get someone out of trouble. And that's what I wanted to do. Become a private investigator that would be of benefit to humanity. To fight the good fight.

Why not become a cop you ask? Cause a cop lives in a black and white world. To uphold the laws that are written. But the world isn't black and white though, it was many shadows of grey, and frankly, some of those laws are filled with buckets of shit and piss. I liked to work on my own to, and uniforms gave me a bad rash. I had my own set of laws as well, laws that led to growth and enlightenment.

Phew, well that reeked of horsemint didn't it? Time to get off that high horse and into my rocking chair. Like I said, things were looking good. And I was looking good as well. Every time I rolled the dice of life things were coming my way. But as any dice rollers know, the dice will roll your way for a bit and then they won't, and you'll get snake bit. And boy did that snake bite me. I went cold. Froze. Couldn't solve nothing. Blew into my hands to warm the dice up even, but every dice I rolled, it always came up snake eyes.

It got so bad I couldn't find my car keys, which caused my car to get towed away, which caused me to lose my car cause I couldn't afford to get it out of the car pound.

It got so bad my girlfriend left me. And get this...she left me for a backup CFL football quarterback no less. Told me in a letter...“at least he wasn't afraid to throw the ball deep.” I wasn't sure if that was a cheap shot at my manhood or the inability to solve my investigations?

I was in a purple haze. Smoking purple Kush and listening to JIMI HENDRIX with the lights out.

Landlord ended up kicking me out. Ended up just hitchhiking back and forth across Canada with nothing but a sleeping bag, an empty wallet and a JACK KEROUAC book in my back pocket.

I was kind of like “The Littlest Hobo”, except I wasn't a dog and I sure as shit wasn't helping anybody out.

Spent a lot of time by railroad tracks, river banks, gas station restaurants and public libraries.

I'd get an odd job here and there. Picking fruit or washing dishes. Go into bigger towns and get to know the soup kitchen lines.

Ended up being dropped off by a car one day in the middle of Winlaw, British Columbia.

Blink and you'll miss it. Stop and you'll get a whiff of the magic in the air. I'd smelt a lot of air...city, town and ocean air. But never had I smelt magic in the air before.

I knew I had to stay and investigate.

It was early summer, so I camped down by the river. Met up with some other drifters...seekers...and together we made a bit of a tent city on some crown land.

Started growing some weed and harvested it in the fall.

Easy money.

Thought i'd stay through the winter and so i bought a bus off a guy named “Owl” who had used the bus to CHASE RAINBOWS.

The bus had chased all over the world and even “the universe” Owl told me, and could chase no more.

So, I got the bus and bought an acre of land off a guy who was sympathetic to my cause.

And so, this is where I paused.

That winter I did a shitload of acid, and it was during one of my trips that Tom Selleck from “Magnum P.I.” knocked on my door and came in. We smoked a doobie and he told me “To get back up on that horse. That I was brought to earth to help people. To help people with their problems. To solve their problems and to be a shining light.”

The next day I woke up as a private investigator again. I made up some posters. Ordered business cards. Set up an email account. And put up a sign on my door...

SUNSHINE KID DETECTIVE AGENCY

...open for business.

CHAPTER 3:  I don’t know how long I was out for but I was awakened by a knock on the door. I got up and answered the door with nothing but my purple yoga pants on. Shoulda, woulda, coulda put a shirt on, but I was feeling secure with my body…I didn't have much in the way of chest hair, but I did have a pretty good patch of pubic hair!

When I opened the door a blast of yellow sunshine hit me and I couldn't see…only a voice asking

“If this was the offices of the Detective Agency?”

I suddenly felt grumpy and before I could stop myself I said “obviously” a little too snobbily.

I rubbed my eyes and got used to the light and the makings of a person began to materialize.

Realized it was the guy I had seen the other night at the cafe, the one who was reading a book and possibly scoping me out.

“Hey there, my name's Dennis.”

“Hopper,” I said shaking his hand.

“That's funny!”

“Why's that?”

“Put our names together...DENNIS HOPPER...like the Hollywood actor.”

It was kind of funny and we both laughed, which broke the ice and I invited him in.

I had all the shades down, and the only light was from a string of blue christmas lights that ran around the ceiling of the bus.

I offered him a seat at the table and offered him some organic orange juice.

He accepted and drank the juice in one gulp.

I took a seat at the table and rolled the dice that was in front of me...a 5 and a 6 came up...

“11.” I said.

“Hmmm...let me think...on december 21, 2012 the sun will be aligned with the centre of the milky way for the first time in 26,000 years...and the time of that event will be 11:11 universal time.”

“Jesus Christ”

“Jesus Christ has 11 letters.”

“Seems as if you're on my level of thinking there Dennis, what other magic do you have for me?”

“You're in danger.”

“Let me guess, Billy Bob.”

“You had a visit from him?”

“Something like that, what's it to you?” I said inhaling some more smoke and then ashing it out.

“I used to be...one with them.”

“Seems to be a popular term these days. So I met with Billy Bob? Not sure how that would lead to my premature death though?”

“Did you have sex with anyone in the family?”

“I had a little nibble from the apple.”

“Heart?”

“Matter of fact I did...you know her?”

He sighed and peaked out through the bamboo blinds. “We were married when we joined them.”

“Who?...what...you and Heart?!”

“Her name was Mary Jane then.”

“What happened?”

“They all killed themselves.”

“Horsemint sandwiches!?”

“And after 3 days and a half the spirit of life from god entered into them and they stood upon their feet; a great fear fell on them which saw them....revelation 11:11.”

“Now let's take a time out here preacher...let's just ease back on the reigns of this here horse and take a look at the countryside.” I said getting up and getting a fresh jar of weed out of the freezer.

After rolling one up, I blazed it, and inhaled deeply and then exhaled. Smoke drifted to the ceiling where it hung. I went to pass it to Dennis, but he shook his head.

“Don't smoke anymore.”

“Do you live around here bro?”

“I come and go.”

“How did you know I was with Heart and Billy Bob?”

“E.S.P.”

“E.S.P.?”

“I saw into your mind and saw an image of a HEART and a SNAKE.”

“The tattoo on Billy Bob's arm was a snake.” I mumbled to myself. The weed was beginning to take its effect and I could see where I needed to go. “Now you say i'm in danger, is that cause I made love with Heart?”

“No, it's because you've been marked.”

“What?”

“There's a heart tattooed on your flesh. When they want you, that heart will flare up and cause you pain.”

Fuck me, I thought...free sex my ass...now I not only have a crotch that itches when there's danger, I now have a branded heart that becomes inflamed!

“What was it that Billy Bob wanted from you?” He asked picking up the dice and shaking it in his right hand.

“He asked me to find him.”

“Who...Billy Bob?”

“Yeah, which I found strange to say the least but shrugged it off by thinking he'd probably been taking mushrooms every day for 3 years.”

“So, THE SERPENT KING is hoping to return again,” Dennis said rubbing a pimple on his forehead.

“C'mon man, this ain’t ghosts and goblins...he was real...he was in this bus even, and I fucked Heart, I mean I fucked your ex-wife, I mean I made love to your former lover, and she sure didn't feel like a ghost to me.”

“This isn't a ghost story Hopper.”

“I know...it's a detective story, a missing persons case.”

“In which you've seen the missing person.”

“Which means I should have this case wrapped up pretty quick.”

“And your feelings for Heart?”

“It was fun, a good time...a bit surreal...actually when I think back on it, it was pretty fucking weird, like a wet dream.”

“I'll be honest Hopper, i've come to get Mary Jane back.”

“All yours bro.”

“No, she's all Billy Bob's.”

And to my horror I felt a burning pain, and looked down to see my heart tattoo in a flame.

Dennis rolled the dice...a 5 and a 5...

“And one of the elders saith unto me, weep not: behold, the lion of the tribe of Juda, the root of David, hath prevailed to open the book, and to loose the seven seals thereof...5:5 revelations.”

“Jesus FUCKING christ!”

Suddenly, there was a big bang!...at my front door…the shock of it unleashed the universe and I reeled backwards in my chair. My head cracked into the fridge like an egg. Yoke for blood oozed when I touched the back of my head.

Another big bang!

A sharp jolt of fear sprang my adrenaline high into the air like a trampoline. I jumped to my feet. Dennis was gone...but how?

Dead I thought and began to cackle like a goblin out loud.

“Fuck that weed has my mind playing tricks on me!!!” I said out loud, or did i?

My heart flashed with pain. I looked down and the heart mark was throbbing red.

Red. Stop sign red. Danger red!!!

My mind reacted like a horse out of a gate and began to race.

I realized I needed some more time. More importantly, I needed more information. More knowledge. I needed to eat more of that forbidden fruit.

Time for action!

And so I moved the pull out couch away from the wall.

Pulled up the East Indian rug and lifted open the escape hatch and climbed down into a dark hole. Touching the ground I began to move down the dirt, dark passageway.

I crawled for about twenty meters when I came to the end and pushed up. The wooden hatch moved and daylight poured in. I climbed out and wiped the dirt off my knees.

I was in the edge of the forest now and began to run. I had built that escape tunnel soon after I started the Detective Agency. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Didn't really plan on the ghost of a cult leader coming to get me though, I built it thinking that maybe the cops might find out about my grow show.

Either/or it was worth it to me as I ran as fast and as far as I could into the woods. Put some distance between me and ...my ghosts? Can you even out run a ghost? I began to slow down and stopped at a little stream trickling down the mountain. I rested on some moss and began to think that maybe I was being a titch paranoid. Maybe that wasn't Billy Bob at my door. But, why did my heart mark begin to flare up. I looked down at it now and saw that the swelling had gone down and it was back to its black outline.

Safe.

But where the fuck did Dennis go? Did he somehow die with them all too?

“Fuck me…” I exhaled and my eyes took in the stream. Trickly, trickle, trickle. Rays of sunlight were cutting through the cedar trees and spotlighting little nature scenes around me.

A spider and an ant fighting to the death on top of a rotting log.

A bird on a tree limb staring at me trying to communicate with me? In ESP?

A condom wrapper and an aluminum beer can. By-products of a natural act.

I looked around some more and my eyes fell on a sunny patch of mushrooms.

I got up and looked closer, wishing I had brought a magnifying glass with me…instead I got down on my hands and knees and peered in.

Well, i'll be a vanilla ice cream cone dipped in chocolate! Do my eyes deceive? Do I dare believe?

I turned through the pages of the mushroom book stored in my mind...page 130...POTENT PSILOCYBIN, otherwise known as magic mushrooms!

Let's run through the checklist to be sure...

*cap, reddish brown...check

*slightly sticky when moist...check

*gills brown...check

*stalk slender and white...check

*bluish stain when handled...check!!!

I took this as a sign and gobbled the entire mushroom patch in one sitting.

I'm a great believer in signs, even when i'm driving I read all the signs that my eyes can read. Most of it is junk mail, but occasionally a sign will slip into your view that will cause you to stop and think. Should I take the path that I originally intended? The one with the nice paved road. The one where everything I know will be there. Or do I take the road less traveled. The dirt road with potholes that ends abruptly at the dark forest gates…forcing me to get out of the car and walk. The path where I know nothing and everything I know will not be as it is.

On this day, I entered into this forest not knowing and nature left me a sign…in the form of a mushroom to help unlock my mind and leave it all behind.

I licked my lips and leaned back onto a tree. The day was warm, the light was day.

I could tell when the magic of the mushrooms hit because I began to laugh at my own jokes.

I also began to see fairies flying in the shafts of light and little gnomes coming out of their homes to do the work that gnomes do.

What the hell do gnomes do anyway?

“We laugh and play, and help humans communicate with nature,” saith a little gnome of about wee high. He then laughed and did a series of rapid fire cart wheels.

Birds of all feathers began to chirp and sing and I surprisingly knew the tune and sang along.

I don't know how long I was sitting there and singing and laughing before I saw the string.

Could have been two minutes, could have been two hours.

Time is rendered impotent like a limp penis. I laughed at the thought of limp penises...hard penises and how they looked like mushrooms.

I laughed at the thought that I didn't eat some magic mushrooms, but a patch of magic penises!

I chuckled and drooled and then noticed the red string again.

It began at my fingertips, and led off into the forest.

When I looked away it was gone and when I looked at it again, it was there.

Was the string there only because I thought of it? Or was it there without my thinking?

Quantum thinking.

When I picked up the end of the red string, snow began to fall. But it wasn't cold, and the snow wasn't snow, but little fairies with wings.

They smiled and waved to me. I winked and smiled back, and began to follow where the string led.

Intuitively, I let my mind go of pre-conceived thoughts and vowed to listen with my heart, my real heart.

This paid off immediately, as a whispered warmth from the fairies began to envelope me and cover me like a second skin of aura.

I moved with the string around trees and ponds.

Across fallen logs and streams.

I had no idea where I was being led to, and the deeper I went into the mountain forest the more at peace I became.

I even laughed at one point, feeling giddy and carefree like it was some little kids game.

My body felt like it had dissolved into a ghostly material.

I floated along.

My eyes closed and I moved without external vision.

My visions now came from within.

Like I was in the body of a deer.

Like I was a piece of venison being cooked in a frying pan.

Like I was being eaten by a giant mountain with rocks for teeth.

Breaking my meat down.

Tenderizing it. Chewing me down to my very last compounds.

I had what I thought to be a sound knowledge of self, but this type of chaos rendered me to my deathbed.

Faces of strange beings looked down at me as if I was lying in a grave.

But, they assured me I was lying in a crib, which made me a baby.

I climbed out of the crib and a pair of the most beautiful sausages I had ever seen did a song and dance routine for me.

I laughed and they laughed.

I told them I had to take a piss and they waved goodbye and said they would miss me.

I thought it was very touching that a couple of sausages would miss me.

As I was pissing, monsters made of dough oozed into me. It felt cozy and warm. A pair of big hands picked me up and put us into a cob oven and we began to cook.

I wondered if I was being cooked like a pizza?

Would I be missed?

I encountered a profound sense of who I was in this life I had just been led to believe.

A grasshopper hopped into the fire and its last words were...

To be honest I couldn't really make out what the grasshopper said. If it was profound or words of prophecy I would never know.

He died in vein perhaps.

Died like venison in a stew that was eaten half-heartedly by an alcoholic hermit that lived in a van by a waterfall.

Two hours later the venison was vomited into a piss bucket by the hermits bed.

The bucket was then dumped into a waterfalls edge.

Was he my father? The image was strong...vivid...clear....must I find this man, and what must he tell me. What must I learn from him? What riddle will he solve?

I woke up out of my mushroom high. I was curled up in the fetal position. My purple yoga pants were dirty and my feet were covered in mud.

I was on the floor of a vehicle, driver's side under the steering wheel. I crawled out, opened the door, and fell out with a groan.

It was night and I saw a moon and some stars. I also heard loud snoring coming from inside what I now saw was an old pickup with a camper on the back. The inside of the pick up was all graffiti...with magic marker writings.

The word “CULT” in capital letters stood out.

I was still groggy from the mushroom trip and my mouth was dry. My mind got a signal from my body that I needed water, so I crawled over to the pool under the waterfall and began to drink. I felt better and got to my feet. Head down I counted to ten and then straightened up.

Moonlight twinkled stars on the waters fall, reminded me of the fairies I had seen or thought I had seen.

Is what you see an illusion? Or is it actually reality? And maybe reality is all an illusion?

These are the riddles that you are left with after a good hallucinogenic sinks its teeth into you and you are left wandering on the outskirts of your mind, on what the meaning of it all is.

Sometimes I wonder If I shouldn't have just gotten a regular cubicle job and just been ignorant of it all. Watch movies every night, and on sunday get drunk and watch football.

But, as soon as you take that first bite out of the forbidden fruit you're left with someone named “Alice” telling you all about Wonderland. And that's all okay, you just have to accept what she says as her perception of reality and see how much of it meshes with your own.

Deep thoughts birthing from within…but what have I just given birth too? Every trip is like a piece of new advice and it's what you do with that advice that is the golden ticket.

This last trip was a real champagne corker. Fairies, gnomes, mushrooms that looked like penises...red string, being a baby, being a piece of venison, being a piece of pizza being cooked.

And to top it all off had I now found my long, lost father? An alcoholic, living in a camper van by a waterfall in the mountains?

I walked back to the truck

The snoring was loud like a chainsaw being held by a screaming Nazi.

Somewhere a Coyote howled.

I climbed into the van and reclined back in the driver's seat...i looked down and saw by the moon's rays a half a jay in the ashtray, and a box of matches on the dashboard.

I lit it up and tasted Northern Lights.

I drifted off into those Northern Lights thinking of my old man.

My old man who I thought had given his life to Uncle Sam.

The lights began to blur and my mind headed south into the land of sleep.

Osiris it seemed...wanted to meet with me.

Osiris sat on a throne made of bones, tearing flesh off of a rib cage.

His Hounds of the underworld whimpered and yelped in anticipation of those bones.

I stood before Osiris and his throne.

I watched him tear into that flesh…blood sticking to his thick grey beard.

My stomach growled and he looked at me.

Black eyes surrounded by thick grey eyebrows...storm clouds.

Osiris threw the rib cage to the side and the dogs went after it…snarling and snapping at one another.

He bid me closer with one rickety finger that poked out of a robe made of skin.

I approached and bowed in a way that told him I was aware of his power.

Osiris leaned forward and sniffed.

“The scent of flesh I smell...which means you are alive and not yet mine,” He said sounding like a flash of lightning.

“You sent for me?” I asked knowing the sooner I could get some information the sooner I could leave.

“Bring me Billy Bob and his followers and I shall allow you to pass through the Underworld on your return.”

“Billy Bob? He was here?”

“He was,” Osiris said as grey clouds began to form in front of me, obscuring Osiris from my vision.

“How? What?”

“Bring them here and you shall be free of Osiris.”

The clouds were thick, grey and light and I drifted...drifted

...drifted.

My eyes opened.

Awake.

Osiris had sent for me and I went...and I survived.

“What the fuck,” I mumbled giving my face a hand wash...grizzle of a beard beginning to form.

Suddenly the driver side door was opened and I was yanked out and fell to the ground.

“Fuck, man!” I said nursing my left shoulder and looking up.

A man with a thick grey beard, grey bushy eyebrows, and black eyes stared down at me stormily.

“Father?” I asked weakly.

“Father?” He laughed, “You must be joking...is there more of you?” He asked testily.

I noticed he was wearing nothing but a quilt that was wrapped around him.

I put out my hand to get him to help me up but he kicked it away with an agile karate kick.

“I’m in no need of any bullshit, son...who are you and what are you doing in my truck?”

That karate kick was a warm up and I knew if I didn't tell him what he wanted to hear...the next kick would cave in my face.

“Okay pops, okay...i'm not sure what i'm doing here.”

He leaned back on one leg, exposing his scrotum and prepared to kick my head clean off.

“Woa, woa...there's more...what I wanted to say was...” But, what the fuck did I want to say anyway?...“What I wanted to say was that you looked like...Osiris?”

“Osiris...how did you know my name?” He said standing back onto both feet.

“Cause you sent for me?” I said taking a few more steps out on the limb.

“I did…I did? I did, huh?” His eyebrows busheled together like a big rain cloud.

“You did? And i'm here...got in last night actually...you were asleep, so I smoked a roach in your ashtray and nodded off to sleep.”

His grey clouds parted and in his eyes now shone the sun.

“I did send for you didn't I? Did you bring me what I asked for?”

“What...Billy Bob you mean?” I said getting to my feet and shivering slightly as I was wearing nothing but my yoga pants...which made me wonder, did the sight of that warm quilt wrapped snuggly around Osiris make me aware of my own nakedness and therefore make me aware of the cold. Or was I cold in no relation to seeing that warm quilt. As I pondered that mystery, Osiris was absorbed in his own mystery as well, the funny thing is that I knew what that mystery was.

I could read his mind.

Rather I could see the visuals that his mind was making.

Like a movie...scenes played.

In one scene I saw him looking at his fingernails, which were long and dirty.

Then I heard him think to himself that they were long and dirty and needed to be trimmed and if I had any clippers.

Then I saw another scene of a man's arm with a snake on it.

Then another scene of a woman tattooing a heart on a man's chest.

Then a scene of a nice pair of hiking boots on someone's feet. The boots were taken off and what looked to be fresh dog shit was on the underside.

And then I saw a pair of black eyes staring at me menacingly.

“Get the fuck out of my head,” Osiris said.

His tone wasn't friendly and to top it off a pair of mangy looking wolf dogs appeared on either side of him.

They didn't have collars, and Osiris didn't have any leashes.

They growled and showed their fangs.

“Bring me Billy Bob?”

“Hold on a sec there pops, let's simmer things down a minute. First off, the real Osiris...the dead one just told me to bring Billy Bob to him, and now I meet you and you say you're Osiris and it's true you do share some similarities but you are alive. Now i'm a bit confused. Should...now that's a big word here...should I even get a chance to get Billy Bob under my control...do I bring him to you alive? Or to the other Osiris...dead?”

“I am Osiris?” He said and stared off into the sky.

“Yeah, we got that part covered.”

“Bring me Billy Bob”

“Fuck man, throw me a bone here.”

Osiris then dropped the quilt covering his body. His body was skeletal and the skin was ashen and taught.

He put his right hand onto and then into his chest and with one soundless move, ripped out a rib and then threw it at me.

I caught the rib without dropping it knowing that if I did...the wolf dogs would have pounced.

The rib had pieces of flesh on it, and blood fell onto my right hand.

I looked from the bone and into Osiris's widening mouth and found myself falling into its blackness.

A golden retriever appeared and with ESP told me to follow.

I followed closely behind through the forest and over the hills and came to a country back road.

The dog told me to wait here and walked back into the forest.

I used to have a golden retriever when I was younger. I was forced to give it away when my mom left an abusive relationship with my stepfather.

I missed that dog. I named her “SOY”, which was a combination of sun and joy. A funny name, but then I was a bit funny as well.

A light drizzle began to fall, and a melancholy fell over my mind. A smile touched my face as I saw a rainbow in the sky. Ambivalence is the subtraction of the positive multiplied by what angle the sun is at.

Huh?

I stood there by the side of the road in nothing but a pair of dirty, purple yoga pants and in one hand I held a bloody bone from Osiris's rib and in the other my thumb was out hitching a ride.

At least I wasn't naked.

CHAPTER 4: Who is going to be coming on this back country road anyhow? Let alone stop and pick up someone that looks like me?

But before I could shake a lambs tail I heard a loud engine approaching. I looked at the curve in the road and saw a purple van chugging along towards me.

The van pulled up and on the side was the sign of Jupiter.

“Jupiter!” I yelled and opened the door and hopped in.

The van was thick with ganja smoke, but through the haze I could see the smiling face of my astrologist...Jupiter.

“Hello stranger.”

“Jupiter, how did you find me? Let alone know where I was?”

“Elementary my dear Watson,” She said smiling and pointing to the Crystal Ball on her crotch. “I saw you were standing on the side of a road, with forest all around you and then I just asked the Pendulum for directions.” She said pointing a purple fingernail at her giant purple amethyst Pendulum swinging from the rear view mirror.

“But, you got here so fast.”

“It was foretold in your last astrology reading, remember?”

“You mean, the north node in Capricorn stuff?”

“No, how your moon squared Pluto”

“Maybe a hit from your crystal bong there will refresh my memory Jupe.”  I said reaching for the crystal ball bong on Jupiter's crotch.

“Keep your mind focused hopper,” she said giving me a wink and handing over the bong. There was still a chunk of weed so I grabbed the lighter from the coin holder and lit up. I took a big hit and passed it back to Jupiter....

 “Moon in Pluto you say?”

“Moon square Pluto, how the square seems to be this disrupting thing just at the wrong time, which means that new beginnings have to be shaped from very difficult happenings.”

“Right and you found me because of that?”

“All that and when I went to your place a few days ago it looked like a tornado ripped through it and you were nowhere to be seen…which caused me some concern.”

“Wait, a few days ago!?! I've been gone that long?”

“You tell me?” Jupiter said navigating back onto the main highway and heading north towards Winlaw.

“No you're right, all of it. Things have gotten weird.”

“Weird is like the word interesting...it can mean a great number of things...explain.”

“Well, i've been working on a missing persons case...rather a found persons case.”

“Explain.”

“I've been hired by what seems to be the ghost of a dead cult leader, who wants me to find him.”

“His dead body?”

“Perhaps...i've also been most recently hired by Osiris.”

“The lord of the dead?”

“Yeah, the underworld Osiris, as well, as his earthly incarnation, and they want me to bring him dead or alive...which i'm not sure...that is...cult leader, Billy Bob...back to them...him.”

“That is, weird and interesting.”

“Dude, it's crazy!”

“Only in the valley as you say.”

A restorative silence fell and we both wandered in our minds for a time. I looked out the window and saw the trees, without really seeing the trees.

Jupiter looked at the trees and saw the trees, or so I was led to believe with my telepathy.

Time fell and didn't feel like getting back up again. It was sick and tired of its job it seemed. Too many hours at minimum wage, with no breaks and no holidays.

A Help Wanted sign was put up.

I asked Jupiter what time it was.

“That's funny, my clock doesn't show the time anymore?”

“That's because time fell and didn't want to get back up again, so they're trying to either coerce him back with a new benefits plan or re-hire...either way it's going to take some time.”

“Interesting.”

“...and weird!” I said and we both laughed.

“You want to go back home?” Jupiter asked. A grey, black dread fell out of its ponytail and fell on her face. With grace she took it and tucked it back in.

“The lines on your face can tell time,” I said staring at her profile.

“You flatter me cowboy,” Jupiter said looking into her side view mirror.

I looked into my side view mirror and didn't like what I saw.

“Cop.” I said.

“They got a hard on for me these days.”

“They think you running weed or what?”

“Yeah, probably or they got something against the colour purple.”

We drove up the highway a few minutes more and then took a left onto a dirt driveway that switch backed its way up the mountain.

The cop car drove past. Jupiter put the car in park.

“Allright where do you want to go?” She turned and asked me.

“I don't know, I don't know if I want to go home yet.”

“In that case let me take you to my place and i'll put you into the Crystal Chamber, boost up your aura and you'll be rearing to go after that cult leader.”

“I could use a dose.”

“You could use a bath and a change of clothes too!”

“Take me to your leader then, Jupe.”

As we pulled into Jupiter's front driveway, the sun was setting on “Crystal Castle”, the name she gave to her humble abode.

Her house was made of strawbales. There was castle like turrets and it even had a moat and a drawbridge.

Embedded in the adobe walls that covered the strawbales were crystals of varying types, sizes and colours.

I had lived in the Crystal Castle for a time. A couple of summers ago, Jupiter and I found ourselves side by side floating down the Slocan River. We attached our inflatable rafts together and spent the next four hours getting to know each other.

She had a joint and I had a couple of beers. We found a secluded beach and we stopped and built a sand castle and made love.

I'm one of those people where if there is love at first sight I go for it right away. It helps to believe in re-incarnation with this sort of thing.

It was like I had been with Jupiter in a previous life in some sort of capacity. So, when we randomly came together on the river and hit it off it was like we had known each other before.

Maybe she was my brother in a past life...or my sister...or my...that one seems a bit strange though...a bit forbidden.

Anyway, at the end of the float I went back to her place and lived there off and on during that summer.

Mostly we'd lie around smoking this really nice strain i'd been growing.

Her bedroom faced the eastern sun. A stain glass window depicting a woman riding a purple unicorn, filtered purple onto her bed and we'd fuck in that purple light.

After, she would tell me that she was building a chamber made out of powerfully charged crystals that could connect her to the higher realms.

It was through that connection that people would be able to recharge their auras, connect with their higher realm selves and visit with the dead.

Things went awry for us when in the early testing of the chamber, Jupiter became convinced she was the reincarnation of the occult leader Aleister Crowley.

She began her Crowley phase reading all about him...dressing like him, conducting all the occult experiments he had done and even began talking like him.

And let's face it, making love to a woman who believes she is the reincarnated Aleister Crowley isn't much of a turn on.

There was nothing dramatic about the break up. We were just going separate ways.

And I didn't feel like being Crowley's understudy so I went back to the bus and continued on.

We remained friends though and eventually she had a big argument with the dead Crowley in the Crystal Chamber one day and didn't want to be him anymore and so she became the “Jupiter” that I knew once again.

But by that time I had been dating again and i'm a monogamous kind of guy so we just stayed caring friends.

Friends with benefits that is.

Jupiter gave me a sponge bath and washed my back.

She gave me a towel dry and a glass of chilled white wine.

I felt refreshed and the wine gave me a bit of spunk, so we ended up screwing standing up.

I had taught Jupiter how to grow, and she took to it readily.

Adding a touch of her own by growing it in purple...amethyst light.

So we sat and smoked some of her homegrown reminiscing on her Crowley days.

“Speaking of Crowley...” I asked as we lounged on some purple cushions on the floor.

“Do you know anything about this Cult of Billy Bob that used to be around here?"

“You know when you first mentioned his name it sounded familiar but I haven't put 2 and 2 together with it yet.”

“Maybe I should pay a visit to Gold Digger Dan. The man is 120, he should know something.”

“He's still alive?”

“Saw him hitching the other day.”

“No shit?”

“Yeah man.”

“You ready for your dose?” Jupiter said getting up and leading the way towards the Crystal Chamber.

“Let's do it!” I said hopping up and heading over to where Jupiter stood, holding the door open to the chamber.

The chamber itself was standing room only... the chamber was made of all glass and crystals.

The door closed.

It wasn't long before you lost yourself in the energy of the crystals.

A wormhole opened in your mind and you went for a ride, high fiving all the souls you saw to your left and right.

Now, the chamber takes different people on different rides. A different one every time. It was a variable. If you were expecting a zig it would zag.

Sometimes you would ride through the wormhole like a surfer through a pipeline.

Other times you could fall off your surfboard and end up in any number of realms.

I met my future daughter in the 49^th realm.

I also met myself and had an epic arm wrestling match in the lower 14^th realm.

9 out of 10 it was a positive experience, but every now and then you'd get a bad trip and come back really bummed out.

Jupiter told me of a guy that came back carrying a whole bunch of baggage...literally a bunch of suitcases...seems he met with a dead ex-girlfriend who was pissed off at him leaving all his emotions with her and just fucking off. So, the guy came back with a whole bunch of unresolved emotions in each suitcase...he disappeared soon after. Some say he went insane trying to get rid of those suitcases...each one a Pandora’s Box unto itself.

But like I said 9/10 it was an empowering experience, and for some unexplained reason 9/10 times I came back with a raging hard on, which Jupiter seemed to enjoy.

This time however, I got tossed off out of the wormhole and into a realm i'd never been to before.

It was on appearances a realm come true for me. Blue sky, mountain valley, and I landed right in the middle of a huge marijuana patch.

Ganja filled the air. The weeds were over six feet and growing.

My face was one big happy face.

But, then the shadow came.

Like a cloud it covered the sky.

The plants reacted to this shadow by shrinking.

They shrunk down into the ground and disappeared.

I was left standing in a barren field...naked of course.

And then the ghosts came.

Skulls blew around me like the wind.

A high pitched woman's scream cut through the air, but I couldn't see as the shadow descended on me and all was black.

In the distance a flame appeared and the chanting to the pounding drums began.

I began to walk towards the flame, though all was black and I could not see my feet.

The flame came closer at times and seemed further away at other times.

After what seemed like an eternity, I came to the flame that turned out to be a small campfire.

Around the campfire were the dead...that is people were in various forms of decay.

They swayed to the fire as if in a trance.

Cold, soft hands grabbed me from behind and dropped me to my knees.

From out of the fire grew a form, in the shape of a King Cobra.

It rose and towered above me, it's mouth opened and its fangs dripped venom.

I accepted my fate without fear as if I was in a dream and could wake up.

The King Cobra shape shifted suddenly into cult leader Billy Bob.

“You've alluded me on your realm Hopper, but now you are in mine!”

“What do you want from me? I never said I would take on your case,” I yelped.

“You value the spoken word too much brother.”

“Brother? I thought I was your friend?”

“I am your brother and your friend.”

“Brother from the same mother or as a term of endearment?”

“Are you trying to trick me with riddles human?”

“I'm just asking Billy Bob, you started this...you brought me here, what do you want from me?”

“You dare question your leader?”

“Guess your cult wasn't founded on the basic principle of democracy was it?”

“If you don't work for me, you are against me.”

At that moment from out of the ring of dead, stepped Heart...beautiful in the fire light...she was not dead, but alive.

My heart tattoo burned with pain.

“Join us Hopper and we'll be together forever.”

“Join us, Hopper.” The ring of dead began to chant louder and louder.

Heart lifted my chin up towards her and leaned down as if to kiss me.

The chanting grew louder and I felt intoxicated with lust for love.

Suddenly a lightning bolt of purple light flashed in front of me and I found myself on a purple unicorn back inside the wormhole, speeding backwards towards the Crystal Chamber.

I came back to consciousness in Jupiter's lap.

A look of concern knitted on her eyebrows.

“Something went wrong while you were in the chamber.”

“Jupe...what...”

“Shhh...and I came to get you.”

“Billy Bob...i saw the Cult of Billy Bob...they wanted me.”

“I know.”

“But why?”

I lost consciousness after that and dreamed nothing but the colour black.

CHAPTER 5: I awoke to the smell of eggs and coffee...it smelt like normality and I felt grateful.

Next to the bed were some old clothes of mine I had left behind.

I pulled on a pair of jeans and a raggedy tie dyed grateful dead t-shirt, and followed my sense of smell into the kitchen where Jupiter was cooking.

“I'm glad you're looking well hopper, I was worried, nothing like that has ever happened in the Crystal Chamber before.”

“Man, I was looking forward to sliding down some rainbows and coming back with a king sized hard on...instead I met a king sized cobra named Billy Bob.”

“What are you going to do?” Jupiter said turning the eggs over.

“Chow down and then go see about fixing my place up and then take a drive out to old Gold Digger's place. It's time for a proactive approach.”

“You need a friend?” Jupiter said dishing the eggs out onto a plate.

“I'll be in touch,” I said grabbing the plate and a fork and wolfing down the breakfast, “I do need a ride into town though...hmmm...that hits the spot.”

“Forget it...i'm driving you home.”

The sun was already piping hot when we left the Crystal Castle and got into Jupiter's van. There wasn’t much conversation between the two of us, and we sat immersed in our own thoughts.

She dropped me off.

I kissed her on the cheek and watched her drive off and then turned and walked toward the bus.

I took a deep breath and inhaled slowly when I viewed the topsy-turvy atmosphere of the inside of my bus.

A tornado indeed...a tornado named Billy Bob.

I needed to tackle this with positivity.

First things first...roll up a mega spliff and smoke it.

Second, pour myself a big glass of orange juice and drink it.

Third, light some Sandalwood.

Fourth, open up all the blinds and slide all the windows open.

Fifth, throw on some Jefferson Airplane.

Now, that the proper atmosphere was created I put things back in order with no conflict in my head…enjoying the process.

As an added bonus I found five bucks worth of change, a dime bag of Hemp Star, and my Doors “Live In Concert” tape I had misplaced.

A couple of hours later I was sitting satisfied on my couch, patting my back for a job well done.

The weed was wearing off, making me sleepy, but it was no time for a nap. So I gave myself another project.

I needed to set up some kind of alarm system.

CHAPTER 6: I stepped outside the bus and took in the sun, letting its heat engulf me.

I needed to link my fire sign energies with it.

Rebuild my lion-like strength.

Let it raise my spirit high, and let it roar with new found courage.

I opened my eyes and felt recharged.

I needed that.

Okay, an alarm system?...well I had my itchy crotch...that was an alarm system of sorts. Maybe I needed a back up one then.

At that point a pack of wild dogs crossed my path.

A sign.

I began to howl and bark and they stopped and listened.

When I was younger, while other kids were put into classes to learn French or Spanish I was put into a class to learn how to speak “Dog”. I was always a bit skeptical and the other kids my age got a kick out of it, but fuck if it didn't come in handy at this moment in time.

The dogs barked back saying they understood and what they wanted in return.

True, they were a wild pack of little Pomeranian dogs, but these fuckers were vicious when they had to be and their yappy little barks could drive a man insane.

It seemed they had been traveling for a number of weeks and were looking for a place to settle for a bit. The deal was for shelter, food and a little bit of stick throwing and stomach scratches and in return they'd protect the area from strangers and evil spirits alike.

The terms were agreed upon and introductions were made.

There were seven of them. Larry, Curly, Mo, Piranha, Great White Shark, Cheetah, and Grizzly Bear.

A motley crew of names, but they looked like they could do the job.

I barked them farewell and hopped in the Tercel, to go see Gold Digger.

Hendrix was still coming out of the car speakers and a pre-rolled was in the ashtray.

I felt momentum swinging back my way.

Today was a day to roll the dice and...what the?...a ghost in the form of Dennis appeared, hitching on the road.

I jerked the car to the side, leaned over and opened the passenger side door.

“You alive man?” I said as Dennis got in and sat down.

“As alive as i'll ever be.”

“Look man, I know you're dead...and I just want you to know, I got nothing against ghosts...i'm ghost friendly...in fact i'd be honoured to have a ghost...have you as a friend.”

“I like you too.”

“Hey want to tag along? I was gonna go get a scratch and win ticket, cause I was feeling like things were going to go my way today.”

“Sure, i was just drifting around anyway.”

I turned Jimi up and smoked down the rest of the joint. I pulled into the mini-mart gas station and went in and was reminded of that invisible woman theory I had cooking in my last case.

Now it didn't seem so far fetched at all, not after all the shit i'd seen lately.

I went out to the counter and picked a scratch card, closed my eyes...visualized and then scratched.

Three $100 symbols appeared.

“Now that's what i'm talking about!” I said and slapped the card back down on the counter. “I'll take twenty in gas, this High Times magazine, a jug of orange juice and a pack of those BOB MARLEY hemp papers, please.”

I skipped back out to the car, feeling like a five year old girl.

“Hey Dennis?” I said as I got back in the car only to find Dennis gone. A quick visit I thought and then got back out to pump in the gas.

As I drove down the highway, I wondered about Dennis' roll in this case...took a left onto Pedro creek road and began the ascent to Gold Diggers place.

The car was beginning to overheat as I finally reached his land.

I knew it was his land cause there was a rusty digging axe and wheelbarrow next to a sign that said “GOLD DIGGER'S WELCOME”

I parked, took a swig of orange juice and followed the gold digging arrow.

The land itself was dense, mixed forest...cedars, pines and larch.

I walked and walked but couldn't find any homesteads of any kind, so I stopped in front of a thick batch of marijuana bushes over 12 feet high.

“HELLO...GOLD DIGGER?” I yelled out...nothing, “Anybody there?”

“I'm in here.” A small voice replied.

“IN WHERE?” I yelled into a marijuana patch.

“In here.” The small voice replied again.

I moved forward to part the marijuana patch but was blocked by what seemed to be a solid structure. I moved mime like around the structure that turned out to be like a rectangle...feeling my way along, until my hands and arms disappeared through an opening.

“Come on in partner.” The voice said a little less small this time.

I took a step of faith and moved my whole body into the space, coming through into the interior of a mobile home.

“Hello, Gold Digger?” I said taking in my new surroundings.

The thing was I didn't know if I was inside or outside.

The scene in front of me was like out of a nature museum.

A trickling creek cut through the room.

A doe was drinking from it and a buck was beside her on guard looking at me.

In the far corner was huge slabs of rock that made a cave like opening. In front of the opening lay the bones of some dead animal and on top that cave opening was a cougar on all fours ready to pounce with its sharp teeth ready to go for the jugular.

Sky lights in the ceiling provided the illumination.

To the left was a Red Cedar tree that disappeared through the roof, its branches that were visible made a sort of canopy and on one branch was a chipmunk and on the trunk was a woodpecker.

On the ground, was a black bear clawing at the ground.

Most shocking of all, was that sitting up on that big ol black bear was a really old man with the thickest grey afro I had ever seen.

“Gold Digger Dan?” I asked.

“The one and only, partner. Shot this beauty in the summer of '49,” Gold Digger said slapping the rump of the black bear affectionately.

It was then that I realized all the animals were dead...taxidermy.

“I shot those deer in '84 and that cougar in '04...shot that chipmunk and woodpecker with a sling shot when I was a kid...my daddy was a taxidermist and taught me the trade...i thought I would be like him and follow in his footsteps, but then I fell in love...not with a woman...no sir...but with gold...it was all I thought and dreamed about...gold, gold, gold...hehe...became a sort of addiction...damn near killed me back in '69 and '74...but then I changed my ways and retired out here in peace...just been me and my friends here ever since,” He said and then slid down off the bear, bobbled over and peered his eye deep into mine. “But, then you didn't come here to talk, to Gold Digger Dan, about gold digging did ya...partner?”

“No sir,” I said reflexively, taking a step back.

A draft brought in the thick pungent smell of the marijuana weeds outside and I lost all trace of thought.

Next thing I knew I was sitting on top of the doe and Gold Digger was sitting on the buck running an afro pick into and out of his hair.

I found myself surprisingly at ease with the man and began to tell him of the strange case of THE CULT OF BILLY BOB.

He listened with a far away look.

I stopped talking and he told me to touch his head.

I touched what I thought was a thick afro, but turned out to be a large brain, pulsating with veins.

It began to hum like when a computer drive gets turned on.

Synapses fired lightning bolts through his head.

I touched that brain and information about THE CULT OF BILLY BOB surged into me.

It felt like I was in the brain of a library.

I read page after page...in summary then...

Billy Bob, real name Christopher Longfellow moved to the valley in approximately 1999. His time spent growing up and where he came from are devoid of any interest whatsoever.

What is interesting though is the fact that I like stroking my armpit.

I do, but that's not what I wanted to tell you about.

When Christopher first came to the valley he came with nothing but the shirt on his back. He worked on some farms and even did a stint as a short order cook.

People trusted him and he had a way with words. Soon he was involved in the area's marijuana industry. Doing some trimming and doing some “running” across the border.

Local growers dubbed him “El Hombre Invisible” for the knack of getting across the border to the USA without detection and for getting through police road blocks in his own backyard.

A quick learner, he started growing his own marijuana in the back country and would disappear all summer long...camping and living where his plants grew and every fall he would come back down the mountain, with a big black beard, skin the texture of leather and a huge grin on his face.

Legend had it he grew the biggest, best buds in the entire valley…and with that legend...his money grew.

In the beginning, he chose to work solo. Cause while others trusted him, he didn't trust others.

Within a few years he purchased an 80 acre plot of land, smack dab in the middle of a mountain.

He paid in garbage bags of cash.

He never came into town, never left his property. Grew his own food and lived a simple homesteading life.

Years past by and the townsfolk began to talk, not about Chris growing the best pot money could buy, but other...strange, forbidden...things.

Talk of mutilated animals and disappearing people began to circulate.

Talk of strange music and hypnotic chanting.

Talk of black clouds and dark energies.

All unsubstantiated rumours of course.

Eyewitness accounts were few and far between. And those few witnesses were written off as acid burnouts or mentally unstable.

What is fact, are the police reports that were written after the first raid.

77 men, women and children living in various states of dwellings.

77 people in various stages of cleanliness.

The police reported nothing out of the ordinary.

No dead animals or people were found.

No grow ops, or anything of the illegal variety either.

On the day of the raid there were no black clouds or dark energy, the sun was bright and the sky was blue. Billy Bob and his family were friendly and accommodating.

They all spoke with respect and reason to the police officers.

The police had nothing to suspect that anything was amiss.

However, one week later all 77 people including Billy Bob, were found dead.

Autopsies showed nothing out of the ordinary. They all appeared to die of natural causes.

Books were written and investigations were held. But nothing plausible held up.

The whole deal was covered up with dirt and time. The land returned to the Crown and has been left wild since that day.

Hunters reported hearing voices in the wind and snakes in the grass.

The case remains unsolved.

My hand was released from Gold Diggers head with the feeling of static electricity.

Gold Digger came out of this trance and hopped to the ground.

“Ever had a piece of tail before?” Gold Digger asked me.

“Dear tail?...to EAT?” I said getting down off the doe.

“Ever back your car into one of the finer creations of god?” He said getting behind the rear of the doe I was sitting on and thrusting his crotch back and forth.

“Jesus, Gold Digger, that doe's dead!”

“A man has needs you know,” He said beginning to unstrap his suspenders.

“Ahhh, nice to have met you, but I have to milk my cows,” I said making something up and high tailing it out of there. There's some things best left behind closed doors.

I took a last sniff of those bodacious weeds and headed back to the car.

I forgot to fill up the rad with some water, so it didn't take long for the engine to overheat and the gauge to read red.

I pulled over, halfway down the mountain road and waited for the engine to cool down.

I stepped out of the car and inhaled the woods.

I walked over to the edge and took a piss.

I got back into the car and opened my JOHN D. MACDONALD book to where I had last left off.

Travis Mcgee a private investigator of sorts was taking on a new case.

I often compared myself to the TRAVIS MCGEE character. He lived in a house boat by the ocean. I lived in a bus in the mountains.

He liked a good stiff drink and I liked a nice, smooth toke.

He was well tanned and handsome. I was of pale skin, and considered to be cute on my better days.

He got laid quite a bit, won the fights and solved the cases.

I occasionally got laid, always lost the fights, and sometimes solved a case.

I read a few pages and put the book down.

When I was in the midst of a case where there were many loose ends, I would approach things like a game of chess.

I would take the time to think out my next move. I wasn't as good as those really good chess players that could think of their next series of moves at once.

Nevertheless, I would put some effort into it.

The sun lowered and broke through the tree branches in front of my face.

And so it came to me, that I would go back to where this all began. I would go back to Billy Bob's land. It might cause me to lose a pawn or it might put me into check, I didn't know. I only knew that intuitively it felt like the move to make.

The engine was cool so I added some water and drove back home…with a short detour to pick up some dog food.

The dogs were happy to see me and reported that all had been quiet.

I fed them some chow and went into the bus to get prepared.

I had a fishing vest with many zippers and pockets. I liked to keep my hands free when going into hostile territory...for balance...for availability. So, I used this vest to store the instruments of my trade.

Itemized it would look this way...

*joint

*waterproof matches

*compass

*magnifying glass

*notebook

*retractable pen

*chapstick

*nail clippers

*flask with rum

I zipped up and did a quick change of clothes.

Earth colours to blend in, brown long sleeve shirt with olive cargo pants.

I put on my hikers and tied a grey bandana around my head.

It was time to go see “El Hombre Invisible”

I stepped outside. The sun was setting.

“Shit man,” I said out loud, I forgot it was the end of the day! I went inside to look at my moon calendar and saw it was 2 days from a full moon, but that meant there would be enough light to go by.

The dogs ran up to me barking. Telling me about the local town gossip, their hopes and dreams and what they were planning on doing next.

I needed a second to decide what to do next. So I went back inside to meditate.

Either go tonight or wait til the morning.

I cleared my mind of thoughts and sat on the cushion.

Images of Coyotes howling, Dracula, and a strange vision of traveling to the moon in order to bury jars of pennies, convinced me I should go to Billy Bob's now.

I bowed and thanked the higher realms for our time together.

I ran out of the house telling the dogs that if Billy Bob or Dennis came that I was on my way to see them on their land.

They barked and wished me good luck.

I barked back and jumped in the Tercel. Jumped back out to put some water in the rad, jumped back in and started her up.

The Doors “The End” began to play...fitting...and I drove away.

The image of Dracula while meditating was interesting. I wondered if I needed to bring stakes. Perhaps this wasn't a detective story, but a Vampire's tale?

What's more plausible Ghosts or Vampires? Probably Ghosts. It's a mystery as to what happens after we die, no matter what the Pope or Prophets back from the dead tell us.

It's within the realms of possiblity we could turn into a sort of spirit that has trouble leaving this earthly realm.

On the other hand, Vampires...the immortal dead...cloves of garlic...wooden stakes to the heart....sucking on the blood of virgins...shape shifting...seems like the work of a good imagination.

But what do I know.

Keep an open mind here, Hopper. I'm entering into a territory that needs a flexible mind.

No need to handicap myself, the odds are already not in my favour.

I turned off onto the old logging road and drove up.

A mist began to form in front of me.

Cliché, but strangely effective to put a sense of unease in me.

Pretty soon visibility was nil.

Car headlights illuminating nothing past 2 feet.

Looked like I was supposed to travel on foot from here, even though it was nice and cozy in the car.

I got out, wishing I had brought those wild dogs with me, and started to walk.

It was a slow walk, with my heart thumping in my throat.

I decided to sit on a large boulder to smoke my joint and have a shot of rum to calm my nerves. And if I was going to die shortly, I might as well give a toast to my life up to this point.

An owl hooted as I took my first hit.

A bat flew by as I took a shot of rum.

I heard movement and a snap of a twig nearby...the weed must have coated over my flight or fight, cause I barely flinched...didn't matter much as my friend Dennis came out of the fog and sat next to me.

“Hey man,” he said reaching for the flask and taking a shot.

“How you been Dennis?” I asked taking back the flask and taking another shot.

“I found them,” Dennis said.

“What happened?”

“They made fun of me.”

“What, like a bunch of kids in grade 3?”

“Kind of.”

I turned to look at Dennis and he turned to look at me, and for a nano second, I thought he kind of looked like me.

He was wearing the same ensemble of clothes as when I first saw him, and it was from that army jacket that he pulled out his dice and rolled them on the space of rock in between us.

“3 plus 2 equals 5...that's how many wounds Christ has...and that's how many I have.”

“What?”

“I was shot 5 times in the heart, Hopper...and as I bled my love drank from me.”

“You are dead.”

“I think you already knew that.”

“It was a theory really...the cold, hard truth is always a splash of water to the face though...who shot you?”

“This is the night we died, this is the night where it all ended...and began.”

“I can't believe it...of all the nights I could've chosen, I chose the night that the dead return.”

“The next roll of the dice, pertains to your future, Hopper...are you ready?”

“Ready? How can I be ready, man...do some yoga...blow on the dice for good luck? Man, if it comes down to a roll of the dice there's not much I can do.”

Dennis laughed, “It was a pleasure Hopper, I do wish the best of rolls for you.” And with that he rolled the dice.

The number one came up on one and the other went over the edge of the rock and disappeared into the fog.

“Hold on a sec there buddy, what does that mean? If it's bad I demand a re-roll.”

“I don't know, that's never happened to me before. I'm usually a pretty good thrower.”

“This is no time for a shitty toss bro, what does the one mean then?”

“The renaissance mystics deemed it the number of the Phoenix.”

“So, what we're talking about then is death and rebirth right? One dice jumped off the cliff and died, and the other was the number one...rebirth...death and rebirth...fuck man, i'm outta here, this is too fucking trippy and i'm not as ready for the death trip as I thought coming into this!”

“It's all been pre-ordained...you can't escape your destiny.”

“Watch me.”

I hopped off the rock and started sprinting...haven't sprinted like that since Grade 6 and while my mind was into running hard and fast my body wasn't.

I stopped and began a mild dry heave...i kneeled on the ground and felt reassured by a fistful of dirt.

I stood back up and looked for the car. It should be pretty close but the mist was so thick I couldn't tell where I was. I unzipped a pouch, and pulled out my compass...no use...the needle was spinning around without stopping.

I felt stressed and my lips were dry, so I pulled out some chapstick and applied it on.

It smelt like cherries.

I like cherries. The smell. Eating fresh organic cherries. Cherry yogurt. Cherry ice cream. Cherry jam with butter on a piece of home made bread…fresh out of the cob oven.

Food for thought.

Could be worse I could be thinking of that dice roll. I could be thinking of Ghosts and Vampires and the return of a dead cult leader and his followers. I could be thinking of letting down a powerful god of the underworld. I could be thinking about how I was going to die.

But, instead I thought about cherries.

I remember my first crush I had on a girl. I was in kindergarten and it was naptime. I had dozed off and when I woke up a girl was stepping over me, she was wearing a dress, so when she stepped over me I could see her underwear, and they were white and had cherries on them...

Cherries...maybe I should give up this P.I. work and grow cherry trees… but those take along time to grow. I could maybe get the bus going again and head to the Okanagan every summer and pick cherries there?...

Grow weed and pick cherries, none of this life or death stuff.

I had a far off look to my eyes, when my crotch began to itch fiercely...hands came out of the fog and picked me up and carried me. They had me above their heads and I was now above the fog like when an airplane flies high and clears the clouds and is in nothing but sunny skies.

But, instead of the sun I was faced with the brightness of the moon and the stars.

I always felt connected to the moon...like I had lived there before. Whenever I saw the night sky I felt reassured that when I was going to die I would return there...in what capacity I wasn't sure. But it felt like I would return home somehow, that my time on earth was just a visit, that it wasn't my real home.

Wishful thinking you might be thinking as I was being carried by who knows what, to who knows where.

But if wishful thinking is all you got, then the shoulda, woulda, coulda's can all take a flying fuck.

So, there I was being carried by the dead…a beautiful moon in the foreground and my lips smelling like cherries.

Could've been worse I guess, could've been a rainy night and the smell of rotting flesh could've been hitting my sense of smell.

I even chuckled to myself thinking that I just kicked the winning field goal to win the Super Bowl and my teammates were carrying me off the field in celebration.

I came back down to earth with a thud as I was dropped without ceremony to the ground. My elbows took the brunt of the fall and I tended to them as a mom would to her kids...tenderly.

A shadow fell on me and I looked up...a King Cobra shape, framed by the moon towered above me.

“Billy Bob?” I said.

“My dear friend...I would like a report on your findings to date...have you been successful in finding me yet?”

“Look man, I never officially took on your case, but unofficially I haven't found you yet...and I gather by finding you, you mean your physical body right?”

“I brought you here tonight for that very reason.”

“Couldn't you have done it in a friendlier way, if I am indeed your friend...i have a pretty strong case of the heebie-jeebies you know.”

“I knew of no other way at this point in my time.”

“Yeah, I guess you have a point. You are some kind of ghost or poltergeist or something, how else would you go about your business anyway.”

“You must return our bodies to us Hopper,” Heart said appearing next to Billy Bob. “You must help us.”

“Do I have a choice?”

“You can walk away Hopper or you can remember my love.” Heart said as my heart tattoo flamed to life.

“Allright, allright...that just bums my high with that pain, man!...let’s start with this…do you know where your bodies are?”

“Osiris has them,” Billy Bob said.

“You're shitting me, I met that dude and he wanted me to bring you to him.”

“He has our physical bodies and we have our spirits,” Heart said.

“We tricked him and resurrected ourselves...that pissed him off,” Dennis said re-appearing and helping me to my feet.

“Dennis!?!?...i thought you were pissed at Billy Bob for stealing your love...and shooting you?”

“He wasn't the one that shot me...and it was a bit of a polygamous situation within the cult to be honest.”

“What is this...good cop, bad cop?” I said getting to my feet.

“Bit of fun, being a scary old cult leader from beyond the grave i'm afraid...sorry if I scared you Hopper,” Billy Bob said holding his hand out.

“You trashed my place pretty good, man.”

“Got a bit carried away I'm afraid...i sent Dennis over to help you out with the cleanup but he's scared of dogs.”

“Can you help us Hopper, please...we really need your help?” Heart pleaded with me.

I looked at the ghosts of Billy Bob, Heart and Dennis.

“Why do you want your bodies back, anyhow?”

“Our bodies were stolen from us...we didn't want to die...we wanted to live!” Dennis said.

“But the police reports said you had committed suicide.”

“That's what they wanted you to believe.”

“Are you saying the cops killed you...why?”

“Cause we were doing something that the government didn't want anyone to be doing.”

“What, growing weed and living in nature?”

“Partly, the major part was that we had gotten hold of a new experimental drug that could do all kinds of interesting things.”

“Like?”

“Like...shape shift, travel on the astral plane to other dimensions, telepathy, move objects with our minds...and it also allowed us to meet with the creator of the universe...those kinds of interesting things.”

“Woa.”

“It was when we were all astral traveling one night that the government troops came and took our bodies...and gave them to Osiris?”

“Osiris? Are you saying he works for the government?”

“He does odd jobs for them, yes.”

“So, you’re thinking that you can somehow get Osiris to give your bodies back to you, then just hop back into them and start living normally again?”

“Bit of a long shot, but...yes.”

“Have you rolled the dice on this subject, Dennis?”

“The dice gave it the go ahead.”

“And what do I get out of all this?” I asked.

“What do you want?”

“Good question, what do I want?...usually it's cash...sometimes a bit of hash...depends...but you know what...fuck it...you know what? I don't want anything...at the very least this will be a good story to tell.”

“I knew we could trust this guy,” Dennis said to Heart and Billy Bob.

“What's the next step?”

“Only one step to take...Osiris,” Billy Bob said.

CHAPTER 7: We all hopped in the Tercel and headed back to my place to wait out the night, we figured it was better to take on a hungover Osiris in the light of day.

So, there we were...me and three ghouls singing along with JIM MORRISON.

The spirits were high for some reason. Dennis and Heart were smooching again in the back and Billy Bob was playing on a harmonica he had pulled out of somewhere.

Amazing how Billy Bob had turned from some big, bad cult leader to a pretty sweet guy that played the harmonica so tenderly.

He stopped playing when the song ended and we talked of all things…about basketball.

He said that part of the fun of being without a body was that you could get front row seats at the Lakers games.

“Sitting next to JACK NICHOLSON, and watching KOBE BRYANT live, is an epic experience my friend.”

“You know, life as a ghost doesn't seem too bad. You can do what you want. Go where you want. It seems that you could even do some physical things, like shake hands, or kiss, or play the harmonica. You can do cool things like haunt people and travel on the astral planes. Why would you want you body back then, Billy Bob?” I asked as I slowed down, as there were some deer on the highway.

“You ever been screwed over before?” Billy Bob asked.

“Sure, man my girlfriend left me for a back up CFL quarterback, suggesting in the process that I wasn’t good enough in the sack.”

“Emotional isn’t it?”

“Hell yeah.”

“Well, we got screwed over in a big time way...left us with enough emotional baggage to weigh us down like an anchor. We can’t move past this earthly realm, we are stuck here.”

“You are kind of like vampires…”

“We need our bodies back to finish out our lives. To make peace with things and move on.”

“But, what if this is what you are supposed to be going through…you were supposed to be fucked over…you were supposed to have been killed by the government and your bodies were supposed to have been held hostage by Osiris.”

“I understand what you are saying that we are supposed to be going through this and we are supposed to now be trying to get our bodies back…but are you saying we should just accept our fate and not do anything else?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know anything anymore. Before this case...reality was all I thought about but, maybe that’s why I get stoned so much, because it gives me a glimpse that the reality I see is not the only reality that’s out there and since I’ve been involved with this missing persons case of yours, my world view has been blown wide open.”

“Like a big bang.”

“Right...hmmm...i wonder what Osiris is up to with all this?” I asked.

“He wants our bodies and our spirits.”

“And he knows that you were going to eventually try and get your bodies back, and then he would grab your souls.”

“Yeah, he knows we are stuck and sooner or later we’d come looking.”

“But, what are you going to do, trade your souls...then your body’s will be free? But it seems that your soul can exist without your body, but how can your body exist without your souls?”

“Maybe this is a zombie story then,” Billy Bob laughed as he rolled down his window and howled at the moon.

Dennis and Heart stopped sucking face, rolled down their windows and began to howl as well.

“Riddle me this then?” I said feeling uptight at the lack of clarity, causing my tone to be one of ill humour, “Why are there two Osiris’s then?”

“He works on different planes,” Dennis said leaning forward between the two front seats.

“He rules the underworld as a spirit and while he doesn’t rule the physical earth realm he brings the dead that he kills to the underworld.”

“That sounds like some kin of serial killer to me,” I said and shuddered.

“How are we going to be able to go against two Osiris'? One a deity and the other a serial killer?”

“Who says we have to go against them?” Billy Bob said with a sly smile on his face.

CHAPTER 8: I pulled into the driveway and got out. I introduced the wild pack of dogs to the gang. They acknowledged each other’s presence and headed into the bus, as the sky began to wake up.

I was tired and needed a power nap, but instead said “fuck it” and put a tab of acid on my tongue…might as well get on everyone’s level. Another thing was that I had done so many trips on acid in my life that I could pull off the whole “normal” act if I had to.

Shit like getting gas or talking about the weather was not a problem, in fact, it was a lot more interesting to deal with the banal.

The three amigos had asked to disappear for a bit to collect their energies and do a bit of soul searching.

I took that break to put some orange juice down my parched throat.

I also sat and used my ESP to get in touch with Jupiter.

The signals were clear on both ends and she said she would be right over.

I needed to do a few practical things before the acid hit.

So I sat and meditated for a bit.

Then I did a series of yoga stretches in order to holistically merge my body, mind, and soul into one cohesive movement.

I was heading into something big here, and didn’t want my body to do one thing and my mind the other.

With that done I went outside and saw the sun rise over the mountains in front of me.

A sense of beauty fell over me and I smiled.

I then remembered I had to feed the dogs and went and did that.

They thanked me and told me how much they enjoyed being here in the valley.

I then remembered to water my plants and went and did that. When I got back, Jupiter’s purple van pulled into the driveway and came to a stop in front of me.

I introduced her to the dogs and she gave each of them a belly scratch.

I took her hand and brought her inside where I told her everything that had happened since we had last left off.

The others appeared, and after another round of introductions we got down to what was going to happen next.

“What do you want to have happen?” Billy Bob asked me.

“Is now the time for another philosophical round, Billy Bob?”

“Your expectations of a situation can play a big part in the outcome,” He said.

“My expectations are that you get your body’s back somehow, and that I don’t die or Jupiter doesn’t die in the process. I don’t know if those are too high of expectations or not.”

“It’s not that they are too high or low my friend, it’s all about letting go and whatever was meant to happen, will happen.”

“Sounds good Billy Bob, I’ll just alter my mind to accommodate that and everything will be okay.”

“No need to get pissy at Billy Bob!” Heart said, “He’s a friend.”

“Sorry I’m feeling a little anxious on the mission ahead.”

“Treat it like you’re giving birth, Hopper,” Jupiter said.

“Giving birth to a baby?”

“You know, you’ll never be the same after this…you’ll be reborn.”

“Reborn…that’s what your dice said didn’t it Dennis?”

“Death and rebirth…the number one…Phoenix...yeah!” Dennis said as he flipped through my record collection.

“So, what’s the plan again?” I asked the gang.

“We’ll adapt to the situation as it unfolds,” Billy Bob said as he was smelling a lock of Jupiter’s dreadlock.

“Right.”

“I made a shield for you,” Jupiter said and pulled out a spray bottle from her purple backpack.

“I need all the help I can get, Jupe.”

“Spread out your arms, Christ on the crucifix like,” Jupiter said as she started to spray the contents of the bottle all around me.

“I’m putting a field of etheric energy around your aura to protect you from hostile spirits,” Jupiter said as she finished up and sprayed herself.

“Shields up team, ready when you are,” I said to everyone and headed out the door.

“We should take your van though Jupe…oh yea, the dogs…I forgot that the earth Osiris has dogs…we should bring these ones along to help with that.”

“Sounds reasonable,” Jupiter said.

I went outside and in dog language I asked them if they wanted to come with us, outlying the situation briefly.

They said they were always up for a new challenge and would love to come along.

I opened up the back van door, and the dogs all hopped in.

Everyone else came outside.

“Do you remember where you picked me up Jupe?” I asked as I climbed into the passenger seat.

“I thought so, but it’s foggy in my head now, so i’m not sure.”

“Osiris covered his tracks perhaps,” Billy Bob said.

We all hopped in the van. Heart and Dennis were in the back bed. Heart was calmly rubbing Dennis’ head to calm his fears of being around the dogs. Billy Bob was plunked down on a bean bag cushion snuggling with Cheetah and Grizzly bear.

The acid had kicked in and with it came an intuitive sense of where to go.

“I know where to go! Take a right coming up…now take a left…drive straight for 8kms…take a right…drive over the cattle guard…there’ll be a fork in the road…keep left for a km and then stop.”

“That’s quite the GPS system you got going there Hopper?” Jupiter said looking at me curiously.

“Hopefully, the government doesn’t find out and try and kill me because of it,” I snorted.

I snorted again, the feeling of it felt funny.

So I snorted again, and again…and again.

“HOPPER WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!! YOU’RE DRIVING ME NUTS!!!” Jupiter cried out.

“Felt funny to snort,” I grinned.

She looked at me puzzled and then looked back to the road.

A few minutes later she pulled off to the side of the road…we had arrived.

We all got out, I had to go to the washroom so I walked to the edge of the woods and started to piss.

I thought I detected movement but wasn’t sure…could be overally sensitive or it could have been movement, but maybe it was just a chipmunk.

I heard a chipmunk and surprisingly understood what it was saying.

Another language for the resume! “Why yes sir, I am fluent in two languages. Dog and chipmunk and I’m also able to converse with ghosts and seem to have a fully operational GPS system inside of me.”

“Hopper, you going to piss all day or what?” Jupiter yelled my way.

I zipped up and walked back telling them that a chipmunk had just told me there was someone who was watching us.

“He knows we’re here,” Dennis said giving his beard a scratch.

“Hey, here’s that Golden Retriever again.” I said pointing at what looked to be the same dog that led me out of the forest before.

“Should we follow where it goes?” Jupiter asked.

“Might as well,” Billy Bob said and started walking after it.

The sun was up high in the sky now.

Speaking of which, my high was really bursting with joy! So much so, that I started to skip and sing.

“lalallalala.”

Seeing me act like a five year old girl, seemed to loosen everyone up.

So skipping and singing we went through the woods, like we didn’t have a care in the world. Just some partly dead friends and I having a day out in the back country.

The dog led us straight to the same camper that I remembered.

I told Dennis, Heart and Billy Bob, to hide behind a tree while I went with Jupiter to re-introduce myself.

I heard snoring coming from the camper.

“I’ll just knock on the window and see if he wakes up.’ I said.

Knock, knock.

“WHO’S THERE?!?” Osiris yelled.

“Hopper.”

“HOPPER WHO?”

“Ah, hop…er…hope…rrr…sorry, I can’t come up with a knock, knock joke with my name.”

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT…WHO’S…” Osiris said as he began to bang and crash around, followed by the sound of vomiting into a bucket.

I looked over at Jupiter and raised my eyebrows.

The side camper door opened and Osiris stumbled out wearing a dirty white, stained robe and pajamas with unicorns on them.

He climbed out and cocked an eye at Jupiter and with the other eye he uncorked it at me. Both eyes were under a dark, grey cloud of eyebrows.

“Ahhh, yes…now I know…did you bring me what I asked for?”

“Yes.” I said and then for some bizarre reason followed that up with... “And they’re right over there…behind that tree with two other cult members...and the rest are back on the land in which they died.”

Jupiter gave me a sharp elbow in the side of my ribs.

“I think he put a spell on me,” I hissed to her.

“That’s a good, good boy…you’ve made Osiris very, very happy…of course, I can’t allow you or your pretty friend to leave…you are all to be guests at your last supper….HOUNDS OF HELL!...bring them to me!” Osiris bellowed and his pack of dogs came out of nowhere snarling and surrounded the tree.

Billy Bob, Dennis and Heart came out of their hiding place.

“Bring them here…do not try anything…for even though you are not of the flesh, neither are those dogs,” Osiris cackled.

Even though it wasn’t playing out very well I was still feeling confident. Maybe it was the acid, or maybe it was the etheric shield. Either way it was time to play ball.

“What do you know abut that Golden Retriever that’s around here?” I asked conversationally.

“What are you talking about…there’s no Golden Retriever…only these highly trained hounds of hell!” He said as he herded us towards the waterfall.

“Yeah man, it helped me find the road last time I was here, and this time it helped lead us to your camper again.”

“You’re seeing things.”

“I’m not, cause it reminded me of a dog I used to have when I was a kid…I used to call her…” Suddenly a woman’s voice in my head told to say the name… “Isis.”

“What did you say?” Osiris said stopping suddenly and turning around to face me.

“I said I used to call her Isis.”

“Do you dare cross Osiris? I can have your ass in a sling for ETERNITY!!!” He thundered.

“Hey man, I’m not saying that dog is Isis...I’m saying that I used to call a dog of mine, Isis.”

“I am Isis.” The golden retriever said as it shape shifted into an hour glass shaped woman…long auburn hair moved as if alive and her eyes shone like sun reflecting off a chromed hubcap.

Osiris reacted like a whoopee cushion ...deflating.

“Glad to see you my dear.”

“Are you?”

“Of course, of course,” He said and then did a little two step, which came across as absolutely absurd considering the circumstances. “Can I buy you a drink, my love?”

“Is that the only reason you came up to earth was to kill people and drink heavily?” Isis said approaching Osiris and lifting his chin up gently.

Osiris sighed and behind him I saw Dennis, Heart, Billy Bob and Jupiter slowly tiptoe out of sight.

Looked like the Hounds of Hell had disappeared somewhere as well.

“I’ve disappointed you,” Osiris whispered with bad alcohol breath.

“Do you remember when I brought you back to life along time ago?...you promised me you had changed, you promised our love would last for eternity. And when you were slain again you turned the power of our love into hate, deciding to rule over the dead and plotting your vengeance on the living. I left earth and moved to another galaxy where I have lived many other lives under the name of Isis. On a whim I decided to come back to earth to see what had changed…one night I had a dream of you and my love for you returned and so I searched and this is what I find…” she said as she gestured around with her arms.

“My dear, I thought I would never see you again,” Osiris said falling back into a lawn chair.

I stood and watched wondering if I should leave these two to work out their problems when Isis turned to me.

“Did you know your girlfriend is pregnant?”

“Who? Me? Girlfriend…” I said taking a seat in another lawn chair.

Isis turned back to Osiris and took his hand and placed it on her heart.

“Do you remember?” Isis asked him.

“I do,” he said and lowered his head.

A rainbow came out of the waterfall and struck me in my eyes and I was temporarily colour blind.

I shifted my head so I could regain my normal vision.

Wow…Jupiter pregnant.

The acid was still riding high like the unicorns on Osiris’ pajamas, and when I looked closer a little naked baby was on those unicorns.

I smiled and wiped the drool off my mouth.

My nose needed to be picked. I remembered when I was a kid somebody told me there was gold at the bottom of my nose, and that never quite left me.

Osiris and Isis wandered hand in hand, knee deep into the water.

I stayed seated in the lawn chair tripping out.

Minutes later, or maybe hours…I wondered where everyone went. I wanted to talk to Jupiter…give her a hug…ask her out on a date.

Osiris and Isis came out of the water and walked up to me.

“We’ve decided to take a trip together,” Isis said.

“Cool man, I got some more acid back at my place if you like?”

“A different kind of trip, a death trip.”

“We’re going to kill each other. Take a quick stop in the underworld to tie up some loose ends and then hit the galaxy,” Osiris said.

“Oh…yeah…hey…while it’s all love, I was wondering if my friends could get their body’s back…I mean, that’s why we’re here and all.”

“We already did,” Said a voice behind me.

“BILLY BOB?!?” I said turning around.

Dennis, Heart and Billy Bob stood before me.

“Are you in your bodies?”

“We found them in a cave behind the waterfall. The rest of the cult members bodies were there too.”

“So you guys are back on track then?”

“In more ways than one,” Dennis said groping Heart’s ass.

“We owe you our bodies and our lives…friend,” Billy Bob said and put his hand on my shoulder.

“It’s been…it’s changed my life as well, Billy Bob, and I thank you for that.”

I spotted Jupiter walking under a willow tree and walked over to her.

She looked radiant.

“You know, when I first took on this case, it was a detective story and then it changed into a mystery, then a ghost, a vampire, and then a zombie story…”

“…and now,” Jupiter said turning to look into my eyes.

“It’s a love story.”

“That’s pretty lame, Hopper!” She said and laughed.

“Must be the acid talking.”

“I knew you were acting a little different…Hopper look…” she said and lowered her eyes.

“I know…you’re pregnant.”

“How?”

“Isis…”

“She’s an interesting lady.”

“Timeless…her and Osiris are back together again…he’s resigned his position as Lord of the Dead.”

“Probably be happier for it I imagine…ruling the Underworld on one hand and being a serial killer on the other has to be a bit bleak.”

“What about us, Jupe?”

“Jesus, Hopper you are filled with the lines!”

“I’m being serious.”

“Serious, with a head full of acid…why don’t you come over later and we’ll talk.”

“Now, that you’re pregnant we can do a little more than that…like have wild and crazy animal sex, without worry in the Crystal Chamber!”

“Let’s just see how talking goes first.”

“Speaking of animal sex, did you see where all the dogs went?…my little pack of guard dogs didn’t turn out to do much.”

“I saw them run off with the Hounds of Hell.”

I laughed and grabbed Jupiter around the waist.

“You know what?”

“What?”

“Love the valley, man.”

We drove back home to a sky that was on fire, was it the end of the world for you me and all the little squirrels?

Naw man, it just meant…case closed…

The end.

SUNSHINE KID DETECTIVE AGENCY

BONUS MATERIALS

BOOK FORM

BOOK LAUNCH

OHME MADE MOVIE

DEAR COREY HART: WHEN I WRITE, I WEAR MY SUNGLASSES IN THE DAYLIGHT, WHEN I DON'T WRITE, I WEAR MY SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT

OKAY...here we go...let's wd40 this dirty fucker...get it all lubed up...so we can get those rusty balls off...i mean, bolts off...give a few blows through the old corn holes...maybe stick a few pens under the couch cushions so we can find them a few years later...i mean...what i meant to say was...to my dearest of cult members...5 days in the life of william brown!!!...as he attempts to write his new book "SUNSHINE KID DETECTIVE AGENCY"...a fascinating, behind the scenes look...an attempt to peak through the blinds and see how it all works...the creative process at work...the thrilling day to day life of a writer at work...girls, vodka, fast cars, cocaine!...well...hmmm...okay then...let's just say...let's just casually mention...by the way...sunnyside up or scrambled?...would you like a little yogurt on the side?...fuck this bullshit...let's go...

DAY 1...THE SERPENT KING
Today i woke up and started reading "firestarter" by stephen king. That man writes page turners i tell ya...couldn't put it down. It's about a kid that can start fires with her mind...pyrokenisis is the fancy, dancy term for it. She got the firestarting power from her parents, who were guinea pigs for an experimental drug called "lot 6" back in their college days. Well, this drug gave them some ESP type powers which went to another level when they had a kid. Stephen king in his book called "on writing" says two of the main things you should do as a writer is to "read and write alot"...well, today i read all day and did dickity doo-da on the writing front...1 out of 2 ain't bad i guess...well that's not true...i did write this down...but i wrote it pretty quick...tomorrow i will put the book down and write!DAY 2...FOOTBALL HELMETS TURN ME ON
Forgot today was sunday...i watch nfl football obsessively on sundays. People find it surprising to find out i'm a sports junkie. I jokingly say "that it makes me feel normal...one with the masses...with the men of our great nation!"...now i know, i know...you're saying "sports is a waste of money and time, that it's used by the powers that be to take your mind away from more important things...that it's a modern day gladiators or bull fighting...that all you're really doing is cheering for uniforms...all you're doing is cheering for rich men that don't give a rats ass about you." Like i said...i know, i know...i've read my noam chomsky like a good little leftist boy...i mean, the funny thing is that i could tell you more about the quarterback of the minnesota vikings than my own dad! Speaking of which, the reason i watch football with a crazed look in my eyes is because i gamble on the games for money with my dad. It's actually increased our communication with one another...i actually call him now!...and i'll email him a dozen times during the course of a week ranting and raving about how this team fucked me over or that player jerked me around. Anyway, i get a little passionate, a little emotional on sunday....therefore, there's no way i can write in that kind of mindstate...i'll write tomorrow...

DAY 3... DO-IT-YOURSELF COMPUTER NEUTERING...WORK FROM HOME!You know what the worst thing you can do if you're trying to write a book?...it's to make a coffee and then turn on the computer. Fuck is that a writer killer!...you end up checking your emails, going on facebook, downloading some music illegally (shhh), watch some youtube videos, check the weather etc.etc.etc....and then when i finally will myself to shut it all down and walk away the caffeine from the coffee kicks in and i want to move around...do something physical...so i use that fake energy to go down into the forest cut down a tree, buck it, quarter it...and then hike it back up and put it into my woodshed...by that time the caffeine has worn off and i'm feeling tired, so i lie down in my yurt and watch the clouds drift by the dome in the ceiling. After i watch the clouds for awhile i realize that the day is pretty much shot so i say "fuck it" and turn the computer back on...i'll write tomorrow...

DAY 4...ANNE RICE
The main character in the book i'm writing uses a pendulum to make decisions. So i figured i'd try it out in real life, to make my character that much more authentic. So i spent the day researching online...youtubing "how to use a pendulum" and then trying it out myself...asking important questions and then seeing which way the pendulum swung. I guess the pendulum is supposed to move according to the will of your subconscious or some such thing, or maybe some guy in the higher realms is in charge of "pendulums" and how they swing, i don't know...it just felt to me that i might as well have flipped a coin...heads i do this, tails i do that. I mean, when i don't move my hand the pendulum doesn't do anything and when i do move my hand i feel i'm consciously directing the movement in the direction i want it to go in, so i can add weight to what i already wanted to do in the first place. I don't know, a couple of people who come into MOONMONSTER'S SECRET CAVE use their pendulum alot. My astrologist, cult member #71, uses his pendulum to help him pick which anne rice books he's supposed to read. Another guy uses his pendulum to figure out what percentage my aura is at. What i need is more info...or more practice...or more something. Anyway, i got so involved in this pendulum thing that i didn't write today...i'll write tomorrow...

DAY 5...MY DOG'S NAME IS "MISCHIEF"
I had this dream recently where i was having sex with this hot little number...with this sizzler of a sex freak!!!...woa, woa, woa...i mean, i had this dream recently where i was having sex with my wife!...yeah, that's the ticket...and i was about to orgasm when she un-stradled me and started to walk away..."WHAT THE FUCK!?!...WHERE ARE YOU GOING!?!"...she turned back to me and said "i have to go, little bear is barking and needs me."..."LITTLE BEAR!?!"...i yelled...and then i woke up hearing my next door neighbours dog "little bear" barking right near my door...barking in that non-stop little dog bark..."fucking dogs" i muttered and then fell back onto my pillow nursing my blue balls...

There are 20 dogs and a psycopath within baseball throwing distance from me. I'll leave the psycopath for another day...but those dogs...oh those dogs...and out of those 20 dogs...5 of them bark alot...and 3 bark constently...i live in a yurt which is like a giant tent with canvas walls and sound easily enters inside. The dogs will bark at anything that moves...a person biking on the road, a coyote howling, a leaf falling, a deer pissing...you name it, and they're going crazy. They all feed off of each other too...one will start barking and then the others will follow suite. I wake up to dogs barking in the morning, eat with dogs barking, make love with dogs barking, meditate with dogs barking and go to sleep with them barking. I can't tell you how many times and in how many ways i've killed some of those dogs in my head. The psycho above me has 8 dogs and they are the worst...but this guy is a ticking time bomb ready to go off...and i really don't want to be the guy that lights that bombs fuse. The people next to me have 7 dogs...including little bear...one of those annoying little dogs that are in a constant state of neurosis and fear, causing them to bark endlessly. I work through these barking dogs as best i can though and pray for rain or snow or freezing cold, cause that's when the dogs don't bark as much...anyway, the dogs were barking like crazy today which was making me all violent inside and i don't like to write when i'm violent, especially when i'm trying to write a book with alot of comedy in it. So, scratch another day off the list...

i'll write tomorrow...