CAMPHILL
9 1/2 Months in a
Camphill Community
william brown
“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience.” -Teilhard de Chardin
During the course of this
true story, there might be some slight slight repetition repetition…grammar was
thrown out the window…the dotdotdots that I use in place of periods and
sometimes commas are in direct homage to my favourite writer Louis Ferdinand
Celine…the tenses might be cubist in origin, and the speeling mistakes might be
accidental or on purpose…I also changed none of the names which might get me
into some hot water but I like my showers hot anyway…
I lived at Camphill
Nottawasaga, Ontario for 9 ½ months…November 2006 to Mid-August thereabouts…all
aboard…toot toot…
WELCOME TO CAMPHILL, the sign said…
Greetings,
Brett Taylor is applying for
a volunteer position at Camphill Nottawasage, where we live with and help
people with a developmental disability have a full and fruitful life.
PROLOGUE
To say that I followed a
woman to Camphill wouldn’t be right…something that Hemingway would’ve started a
story with…and that’s true, I had been reading Hemingway the day I first made
my way to Camphill…wait…let me start this again…5:30am…that’s what my alarm
clock read…except I wasn’t awakened by my alarm clock because I had already
been lying awake listening to the sounds of Johnny flushing the toilet over and
over again…and he wasn’t going to stop flushing until I got out of bed to help
him get off the toilet flush loop cycle that he was stuck on…get up…stumble
into the washroom…Johnny rocking back and forth and putting his finger to his
mouth and “mmmming” which meant, at this moment at least, that he was stuck and
needed my assistance…which meant I had to reach under his butt and turn the
toilet water off so that the sound of running water would stop which would then
enable a traffic light switch in his mind to go from red to green…which meant
he could get off the toilet seat and back to bed…which meant I could do so as
well...but as I was dozing off…dreaming of a castle…a castle that Goethe had
made…a castle with the sounds of chains being dragged in a room
somewhere…except that room wasn’t somewhere in a dream…it was in the room right
behind my sleeping head…Peter Newman the 79 year old cross dresser was up and
active, dragging his chains (which unbelievably I could never find) around his
room again…Liz the former house parent once found Peter naked outside one
moonlit summer night…and not just naked but locked and chained in between two
trees in the backyard…I groaned out of bed again and banged on Peter’s door to
knock it off with the chain dragging…“okay, okay” he mumbled…I tasted last
nights beer on my breath and had an absent thought of going downstairs and
downing another one to take the early edge off things…fuuuuck…I might as well
get up now…Cristos would be up with all this action asking if we were going to
have “hamburgers” for breakfast and Annette would be pacing neurotically around
upstairs wondering if Jamie really liked her or not…I went into the bathroom
and looked at myself in the mirror…I looked at the bags under my eyes…the
stress lines on my forehead…how did I get here…I sighed and closed my eyes…my 3rd
eye opened and told me everything was going to be okay…sounded nice…but so did
drinking 10 more beers…I opened my eyes and moved into the day…
Here I am at 5:30am looking more bushy
tailed then bright eyed!...sometimes the shaving device would nick or pull at a
hair and Johnny would become agitated which would cause my stress and
adrenaline levels to rise…I don’t know why I shaved Johnny everyday…just
letting him grow a beard would’ve been fine by me…must’ve been Liz or Veronica
that insisted Johnny be clean shaven…oh well, just one of the million things
I’d do in a day in Camphill
RUDOLF STEINER 101: KNOWLEDGE OF HIGHER WORLDS AND
HOW TO ATTAIN THEM
It was the winter of 1971, I
was negative 2 years old…I’d just dropped off my karmic suitcase at the borderlands
between Saturn and Mars…I’m just lying here on my yoga mat in coffin pose
thinking about the winter of 1971 when I was negative 2…
I feel my destiny
My destiny finds me
I feel my star
My star finds me
I feel my goals in life
My goals in life find me
- Rudolf Steiner
I consider myself
Atlantean…not from Atlanta, Georgia…I mean, that I come from Atlantis…take a
deep breath…it’s going to be okay…I know I’m Atlantean because I’m attracted to
women with webbed hands, my favourite comic book Is “Aquaman” and I really
enjoyed the Kevin Costner movie “Waterworld”…what’s kind of funny though, is
that I don’t really like water…I have a bit of antipathy towards it…I do not
like baths and you could not double dare me to jump into a lake! Not even in
the summer!! I do like hot tubs though…so maybe it’s just cold water I have an
antipathy towards…maybe I should investigate further…could be a past life hang
up!
Well I did end up
investigating that antipathy towards cold water further and that investigation
led me to Rudolf Steiner…which led me to where this story takes place…CAMPHILL…
THE CAMPHILL JOURNALS
Hello there…still in a bit
of a tail spin, but we think there may be a bit of a light at the end of the
tunnel ahead…we’ve applied to live and work in a community that is centered
around special needs adults in a place just north of Barrie…we would also be
working on the Bio Dynamic farm that they have, as well as many other things
including a herbery, a wood working shop, a weaving place…we went up for a
visit last weekend and it was great…so we are thinking of hopefully moving up
there around the end of November if everything works out…we will still be
attending the Waldorf here in Toronto of course…we are both excited at getting
back into some meaningful work and getting out of the city…
…Tina’s cooking up some soup
and laying down on the couch picking the bed bugs off of me…we’re at the
Waldorf school in Toronto to become teachers at some point but….I’ll be right
back…sorry about that…we live on top of a giant cockroach colony in a ghetto in
Toronto called Parkdale…and in this apartment building that we live in...hold
on…sorry but I can’t concentrate cause this lady in our apartment building is
yelling at her husband again…she does this a dozen times a day…just nags and
bitches at him…and we can hear it all…never hear him…although one day he’ll
explode and kill her and then eat her remains…wouldn’t surprise me…
CANADA POST
Hi Diane, had a great visit
to Camphill yesterday, what a wonderful place it is up there, the fall colours
were unbelievable…met a lot of good people too…companions and co-workers…went
to each “house” and met whoever was there, wandered over to “Sunrise” and had a
great lunch with Norber, Diane, Peter, and Chris...Norbert made some vegan
pancakes that were yummy!
I did have a couple of
questions in terms of what the next step might be, unfortunately we didn’t get
a chance to speak with Sharon yet, but we would love to be part of the Camphill
community! Our lease runs out in November here in Toronto…we have a hamster
named “Cherry Blossom” and we have stuff like books and bikes and paintings…we
are also practicing organic vegans…just some details so that we are on the same
page with things…hope you are well and we’ll talk soon.
THE CAMPHILL JOURNALS
“Candle on the Hill”…Tina
and I are watching a short documentary on Camphill made by the BBC...they
focused on a Camphill in England…anyway, I’m part of that deal now…5 houses on
300 acres of land…about 20 minutes west of Barrie…just off the Nottawasaga
river…greenhouse…woodshop, weavery, pottery…bio dynamic farming…that place in
England had 300 people while this one only has 27…companions and coworkers
included…we live in a big house, have our own room with a private washroom…me,
Tina and another coworker from Germany…also in the House is a House Mother who
looks after all the shopping, some cleaning, some cooking…also a House Granny
who’s a Camphill veteran…is really Camphill personified…she’s from South
Africa…she also lives in the house on the top floor…a man named Karl Konig
created Camphill back in the 50s I believe…based on some Rudolf Steiner
philosophies, which revolved around humans evolving themselves into a higher
consciousness that can then tap into the spirit realm…it’s called
Anthroposophy, the divine wisdom that’s within humans…within us all…their whole
thing is that people with special needs can basically be transformed from their
current situation that they have reincarnated into, and with the power of
community and the spirit can hopefully become released from their
disabilities…I mean I don’t necessarily buy into everything that’s going on but
I’m interested in most of it…the Companions as they’re called here, are really
cool to hang out with, and the coworkers are all coming from good places…we
live with Annette, Johnny and Peter (Cristos came later)…Annette is pretty fun,
she’s a hypochondriac and worries about stuff too much…Johnny is nonverbal
autistic…usually rocks in his chair listening to classical music…Peter is a
cross dressing 79 year old…funny guy too…they all work within the community as
well…Peter is in the woodshop with me making a line of kids toys…Annette does
pottery and herbery and Johnny works on the bio dynamic farm…a good situation
for us really…we get $250 each per month…full use of the house cars and they
pay for gas and food and lodging…not too stressful at all…the woodshop is
relaxed…I’m getting into curative education and what can be done to “help” the
companions…there are Camphills all over the world and they are always hooking
people up with travel and travel money…cash to pay for schooling, etc…this
Camphill is in a bit of a transition at the moment…we signed up for a year and
then we are going to do the Waldorf teacher training program which would be
fulltime…currently reading a Biography on this Karl Konig guy…nice to be in
nature again…really glad to be out of Toronto! Also straight edge now…no
drinking or smoking…no dairy, no meat…tough as nails!
CAMPHILL CLOSE UP: JOHNNY
Johnny was a non-verbal
autistic man in his early 40s…knew a little bit of sign language…liked to sit
in a rocking chair in the living room and listen to classical music on cassette
tape…if stressed out he liked to jump on the trampoline to blow off steam…he
was generally pretty manageable…had a lot of Grand Mal Seizures…what do you do if there’s a seizure?...First Aid open book question…remove all dangerous objects…plenty of rest after they come out of it…could get stuck or frozen while sitting on the
toilet or getting dressed and would need to be touched or helped to get
unfrozen…he was around 5’10”…short black hair…185lbs or so…sometimes it was
like walking on egg shells around Johnny though…you didn’t want to get him
stressed out…I made the mistake one time of treating him to a Tim Hortons
coffee as we were on our way to a Doctor’s appointment in Barrie, and I don’t
know if it was the caffeine or the sugar, both probably…but he started to get
really worked up in the backseat…just rocking really fast, moaning and grabbing
my headrest and shaking it…Christ I thought he was going to cause us to run
into the ditch…I head to pull off and wait til he calmed down a bit!
CAMPHILL CLOSE UP: PETER NEWMAN
Peter Newman keeps me awake
all night with his Beverly Hillbillies tv show cranked up…he also dresses up
like a woman in his off hours…he’s 79 and 209lbs…so becoming a woman is not an
easy task…he’s allowed one dress in his room, a big poofy futia one…and a wig
that’s becoming more and more dreadlocked from repeated use…he sleeps all
afternoon in his room and is up all night pretending to be a woman, whereupon he
goes into lala land…fantasy island…creating different character’s to talk to
and clomping around in his dress shoes…luckily we talked him into wearing
slippers yesterday otherwise I was ready to toss the high heels into a bonfire
out back…the dress shoes are getting nasty anyway…some Miami Vice white mesh…dirty
and torn…though he keeps insisting they’re beautiful…so he stays up all night
and then wanders around the house trying to break into various rooms…he can
break into the kitchen using a comb…he’s showed us in fact and I now break into
the kitchen using his method if I’ve forgotten my keys…anyway, years ago he got
into some mischief…wandered out of the house and stripped naked and tied
himself to trees in the middle of the night under a full white moon…so we keep
all things used for tying behind closed doors…cause he has a thing for
bondage…we go into his room and take out any rope or twine or extension
cords…probably what he’s banging around looking for right now…he loves to
repeat things too…repeating that he’s a “girl” over and over…I can hear it
through the wall…now the rules are he’s only allowed to dress up in his room or
once a week in the afternoon downstairs…we let him haul out his dress up
suitcase which has his entire collection of dresses and he has a jolly old time
prancing around…one of the issues though is if he’s up all night he’s all
stubborn as a mule the next day…I can’t even deal with him when he’s like
that…like if he’s gotta have a bath and he doesn’t want to or if his clothes
are filthy and he doesn’t want to change…I mean he never wants to bathe… “time
for your bath peter”…no… “you haven’t had a bath in 4 days”…no, I just had a
bath… “that was 4 days ago”…and on it goes until you plead and plead and if all
else fails go into his room and take all his dresses and say no more dresses
until you have a bath…I mean all we ask is a minimum 3 baths a week…minimum
cause that man is a pig pen…I mean, at meal times you can’t even look in his
direction…he’s an alchemist…a food alchemist…it’s never just eggs and
bacon…nope…he’s gotta mix it all into a mush and then add ketchup and honey and
salt and pepper until it’s just a mound of something…and the food is
everywhere…chairs, table, floor, door handles, fridge…everywhere you go to grab
or touch Peter’s been there with his filthy hands…drives me insane…and the
smell wafting off the man will knock you right down sometimes…cause he wears
these stockings, nylons under his pants…all day and night sometimes…even though
he’s not allowed…those things just trap the heat in…like a greenhouse he
cooks…traps in 4 days of not having a bath…so imagine if he bends down to pick
something up and you’re sitting there with his ass in your face…imagine the
rage that builds inside of you…plus he picks his nose constantly when eating…drools
all over the place…and he absolutely murders the toilet…the smell that comes
out of the bathroom is like…it’s like a highland cattle carcass has been in
there for months, rotting in 30 degree heat…hits you like a fist…leaves you
reeling out into outer space…fight through that to somehow get in there and get
the window going…some sprays going…some sage burning…get through that to see
that there’s shit smears all over the place…seat, wall, toilet handle…does the
man wipe his ass with his hand!!!!???
Peter looking pretty in his this all
white ensemble, complete with wig and earrings…that was for an event called
“Sin City” (see more Sin City photos at the end), which was a bit of a fun party/gathering the community put
on…everyone got outrageously dressed up…there was dancing, tarot readings,
clowns, jugglers…an opportunity for people to let off some steam…Camphill on
acid was what it felt like!
RUDOLF STEINER 101: COSMIC MEMORY
It was the summer of 1973…my
journey through the cosmos was complete…I was back on earth…Toronto,
Ontario…August 16th 1973 to be exact…I had the blueprints embedded
in me, but I needed the next number of years to get reacquainted with
things…learn to move my limbs again, to open my eyes and see again…learn to
read and write…go to school again…adapt to all the new changes in society
again…to take all that I learned on my journey through the cosmos…Mercury,
Venus, Saturn, Mars, the Moon, Jupiter…my meetings with Jesus and Lucifer and
Ahriman…all that I learned from my past lives…as a monk, as a person with
disabilities, as a Vietnam War Veteran…to take all that and forget all that, so
I could begin again…
QUESTIONS FROM THE AUDIENCE: WHO IS RUDOLF STEINER?
It’s kind of like asking who
was “Buddha” or who was “Jesus”…Rudolf Steiner was a cult leader, was a
religious leader, was a Mystical leader in the early 1900s to a group of
people calling themselves Anthroposophists…which was a splinter group that
splintered off from a group calling themselves Theosophists…Anthroposophy has a
whole cosmology of interesting insights into humanity and the universe…humans
were seen in the spiritual…we are spiritual beings having a human experience
kind of deal…Steiner gave birth to a lot of cool shit…Waldorf schooling, Bio
Dynamic farming (don’t even ask me to explain this type of farming!),
Homeopathy, Eurythmy (which is a kind of curative dance or movement) and of
course Camphill…the man was continuously on the lecture circuit until his death
in 1925…let’s see what else…he has some wacky views on what happens after you
die which I really enjoy but a lot of people sweep that stuff under the rug
because it’s too “out there”…he was influence by Goethe…his stuff is kind of
difficult to get into but once you do it’s a lot of fun…he was interested in
merging science with spirituality…a kind of “spiritual science” which I feel is
a natural synthesis on how to view reality…does that answer your question?
THE CAMPHILL JOURNALS
Sunday afternoon here…gloomy
and cold outside…everybody in the village seems to be catching a cold except
for me…knock on wood…a few details about our life here…we live in a house
called “Raventree”…there’s the house leader, Liz who does the shopping, some
cooking and cleaning…she’s in her 50s and is from Hungary…there’s three
coworkers that help Liz out…Tina, me and a 20 year old German man named
Ronny…there’s 3 Companions that live with us…Johnny has autism and is non
verbal, likes to rock in his chair and listen to music…Annette is in her 30s
and is very chatty, she has a boyfriend and is fun to be around…Peter is 79 and
likes to dress up as a woman which took some getting used…Johnny is prone to
getting a bit violent from time to time but the other two are very relaxed…Monday
to Friday Tina works in the mornings with Liz, and in the afternoons she works
in the herbery with the other companions…they prepare teas to be sold…I work in
the house in the afternoons and in the mornings I work in the woodshop…making
cutting boards and kids toys…there’s also pottery, farming and weaving workshops as well…all involve the
companions in some function or other…we have 3 meals a day in which we all come
together like a little family…we live in a bedroom with its own bathroom and on
300 acres of land…great nature walking areas…I guess Barrie gets hit hard in
the winter, so we picked up some winter boots and other warm gear, so we are
feeling more confident…we are also attending the Waldorf program on Saturdays…our
car is retired at the moment and we use the cars that are available to us in
the community…we receive a monthly stipend of 250 dollars…yeah, so far so good,
other than it being a big transition mentally…it just feels good to be here,
meaningful and all that good stuff…
QUESTIONS FROM THE AUDIENCE: WHAT’S A HOUSE PARENT?
Within each house there is
usually a House Mom and a House Dad…House Parents…I hated these terms because I
didn’t feel like a dad…but the house parents at Raventree after Liz left, was
myself and Tina…we looked after everything in the house…3 meals per day,
laundry, shopping, cleaning, supporting the companions needs emotionally and
physically, taking them to medical and dental appointments…recreational
activities, dispensing their medications, talking with their families…just
making sure they were healthy and happy…we also did the finances…budgeting,
banking…we also had to look after the other co-workers needs…in this case, it
was just one other co-worker, Ronny…so we were supposed to be a like a mom and
a dad, caring for these 5 kids…4 with special needs…one big happy
family…looking at this on paper, I would say that’s fucking crazy to get
involved in something like that, but there it was.
QUESTIONS FROM THE AUDIENCE: WHAT’S A HOUSE LEADER?
The House Leader is one of
the House Parents, which was me, representing the house to the greater Camphill
community including the administration…basically it meant going to a lot of
really boring meetings…nice people in those meetings but most of the administrators
did not live in the community and their jobs were basically to have meetings
and give the appearance that they were doing something…they made so much more
money than me and did less work that it began to piss me off…but we weren’t
there for the money was my mantra.
I guess I was keen on
becoming House Leader because I wanted to make the final decisions when it came
to the companions in the house…I wanted to experiment a bit, wanted to give Annette her own “apartment”
upstairs, to try and give her that feeling of independence she craved…I wanted
to give Peter more freedom to dress up as a woman, because that’s what he wanted
to do more than anything…I wanted to have a lot of healthy organic food and
natural cleaning products in the house…maybe there was some ego involved in
wanting to be a house leader, I don’t know, but I feel like I was coming from a
good place.
Family photo on the deck behind the
House of Raventreee…left to right…Peter, Johnny, Ronny, Cristos and
Liz…someone’s idea to eat lunch outside while the sun was shining…a small lunch
crowd, which was unusual for Liz…we’d sing a song before every meal like…
Oh the lord is good to me
And so I thank the lord
For giving me the things I need
The sun, the rain and the apple seed
The lord is good to me
Hallelujah…amen
…after we took over as House Parents we
took out “lord” and replaced it with “earth”…made more sense for us
CAMPHILL CLOSE UP: LIZ
Liz was the house leader
when we first moved into Raventree…but she didn’t live at Raventree, she lived
outside of the Camphill village…the problem with Liz was that she was always
doing a million things at once…biting off more than she could chew…inviting 12
people over for lunch and then leaving us a mountain of dishes to clean up,
while she disappeared to the “office”…we suspected she was having an affair
with the maintenance guy John, who was coming off a fresh divorce and wearing a
baby blue bandana to showcase his new found bachelorhood…Liz had this guilt
thing too, where she was always apologizing for past things I could never
remember…she was also super hyper…talked super fast…she reminded me of the
comic character “the flash”, always zipping around…every morning she’d flash in
like a tornado and that kind of energy was a bit hard to handle…the problem
with that was we were in the house 24/7, we didn’t need to get things done
9-5…she just wore us down with her energy…she cared though, so I shouldn’t hate
on her too much...
THE CAMPHILL JOURNALS
Camphill is getting more and
more interesting for me…Camphill is based on people not getting paid or if the
community gets money then it’s basically shared according to the needs, but
this Camphill has been getting money from the government…so some people are
getting cash and others like me are getting small stipends…now I’m not here for
the cash, but I like the philosophy behind equal wages for all…this doesn’t
allow for separation, in that I won’t feel like what I do has less value then
what someone else does…as well, there’s three groups of people here…long
termers who are committed to making this community a thriving, creative
one…those that are short term workers, ie, who come here for a year, mainly
from other countries and then take off, using it in a way to travel and earn a
few bucks…and then there are the day to day people who just come for a 9 to 5
shift, Monday to Friday type of deal…and it’s mainly these shift workers that
are getting the big bucks…so there’s some interesting dynamics in play
here…interesting in the sense that Camphill was set up with some very defined philosophies
or ideals in mind…and certain things are compromising those ideas here…but I
have an opportunity to help bring in change to this place, and that’s really
exciting…to basically have a say in how a community is going to be run.
Thursday night here, just
brushed Johnny’s teeth…gave Peter his medication and welcomed Annette home from
a visit with her boyfriend…
CAMPHILL CLOSE UP: ANNETTE AND JAMIE
Two star crossed lovers,
against all odds like Phil Collins…fighting for each other, for their love…where
to start with these two…both in their thirties…Jamie lives in the house of
Tamarack which was just down the road from us…before we arrived on the scene,
Jamie had been going out with Leah…but when we got to Camphill Jamie and
Annette had been seeing each other…and everybody had their two cents about the
relationship…Jamie had a history of violence…once upon a time he lived on his
own outside of Camphill, being loosely supported…but that ended when he smashed
all the windows in his place with his fist…he was put on parole and soon after
joined the Camphill community…Jamie’s claim to fame however was being able to
rip his tshirt right off when he got angry…much like the WWF wrester Hulk Hogan
used to do…Jamie would grab the neck of his tshirt and with focused energy rip
his shirt clean down the middle…now everybody also had their opinions on why he
did this…I never lived or worked with him so I didn’t really know…all I knew
was that he usually ripped when he was angry or frustrated or tense or jealous…frustrated
when he wasn’t being listened to, tense when he was watching or listening to
Blue Jays baseball games…angry when he was being bossed around…the jeolousy
ripping I did see first hand during bowling night…Annette was there and bowled
a hell of a game…Jamie usually the better bowler was a having a bad game and
was getting more and more choked up about it…and at the end of the night it
climaxed when Annette got a little trophy for her achievements and was showing
it to Jamie, and in Jamie’s defense, was kind of in his face about it, showing
off a bit…knowing Jamie would get wound up…I tried to get Annette to listen to
reason and leave him alone but she wouldn’t and then Jamie snapped and came at
her and I thought for a second he was going to slug her, but he pulled back at
the last second and instead ripped his shirt clean off!...so Jamie had this
anger management issue that he was bringing into the relationship…now what
would usually happen was that Annette would go over to Tamarack every Monday
for tea time…depending on how Jamie’s mental state was…she would hang out there
for a couple of hours and then come back…on Thursday Jamie would come over to
Raventree and they would watch a movie downstairs together…Jamie always brought
along a collection of his dvds…Dukes of Hazard tv series, plus a large
assortment of really bad “teen” movies…anyway we’d bring down some pop and
snacks and they’d watch a movie…well Jamie would watch and Annette would watch
Jamie…I mean, we talked to Annette ad infinitum about not doing this and it
would drive Jamie bonkers…and again in Jamie’s defense it would drive anyone
bonkers…so sometimes movie night didn’t go so smooth…there’s also a whole
behind the scenes thing here of their sexual issues and histories…Annette if you
can believe it had sex with a co-worker in Raventree a few years previous,
which as you can imagine was a scandal and created a huge shit storm…So people,
her mom and others in the community didn’t trust her to be a “proper young
lady”…I mean, she basically wanted some lovin from Jamie…did Jamie want the
same thing?...i’m not sure…they both had a team of behaviour specialists and
relationship managers that provided a structure for their relationship…like
when we got to Camphill they were at ground zero…no contact which then warmed
up to holding hands only, progressing to hugging, then to kissing and then back
to no contact, then to holding hands…etc…the parameters were always changing
mainly to Jamie’s unbalanced mental states…it was also found, through a series
of tests, that both were able to understand what it meant to have sex and all
that good stuff…so they were both “capable”…one of Tamaracks workers told me
one day that she knocked on Jamie’s door and he said “come in” and when she entered
Jamie was naked and masturbating “vigorously”…he also had this thing for young
girls, mainly the 12-15 ages…he always bought teen magazines, watched teen
movies and when I took him to Harvey’s one time he basically stared for the
whole meal at two 14 year old girls at the table next to us…so basically Jamie
was a bit off with his sexual manifestations and Annette basically wanted to make
out everytime she saw him…whether it was movie night or a community gathering
she was all over him, and again he would stress out…the relationship would get
put on hold, which would then cause Annette’s behaviour issues to kick in at
home…what was even more concerning was during these periods, when she couldn’t
give her love to Jamie she would try and giver her love to another male…so she
would flirt with Ronny or myself…blowing kisses at us or flirting in other
ways, she would also walk around naked upstairs…”whoops,” she would
say…dangerous stuff…and knowing that it worked for her once in the past with a
co-worker, it might work again…luckily we all shut her down when she got like
that and luckily Jamie was in her life to focus her attentions on…she would
always talk about getting married to him, or living with him…but the thing was,
when they were together they really weren’t a happy couple…Jamie was generally
stressed…Annette was over bearing…their conversations were horrible one sided
affairs, with Annette blabbering away about what medications she was currently
on or about her orthotic shoes and Jamie would just say “oh yea” or “yep”, not
really present, probably thinking about some girl he saw in his Teen Beat
magazines…and Annette thought he was the one, her future, the love of her
life…her Romeo to her Juliet…two star crossed lovers…against all odds…
Annette and Jamie looking like they’re
at a counseling meeting in regards to their “relationship”…lord knows what
Jamie’s thinking…Annette was a non stop talker with recurring topics…ie…her
mother, Jamie, orthotics, whatever ailments were ailing her…after awhile you
zoned out and stopped listening…sometimes she could be really funny though
RUDOLF STEINER 101: THEOSOPHY
I took an astral plane up to
the Kamaloca region…had to take a look at my Akashic Records, do some cross
referencing…needed to see what was left hanging from my past incarnation…had to
see what was “to be continued” from my last life…except when I got up there and
was looking through the files and found my name, I couldn’t make sense of the
words…you know, like when you’re dreaming and try to read and you can’t
understand the words…like that, except I wasn’t dreaming I was live streaming…astral
playing…so I caught the next comet back down to earth and let things play out
naturally…intuitively…more fun that way…
THE CAMPHILL JOURNALS
Tina is dozing off on the
bed…Pink Floyd is playing in the stereo in our room…the house of Raventree…sounds
like an Edgar Allen Poe story…tired but we get a long weekend this
weekend…going to head into the small city of Barrie where Camphill has an
apartment available for the coworkers to use…watch some movies and eat some
veggie burgers with yam fries…love it here…could see ourselves staying here a
long time if we don’t have to compromise too much of ourselves…an interesting
scene here politically as well, Camphill was based on no wages and a strong
community impulse along with sustainable living, but a few years ago there was
a companion that was hurt by a coworker who was attempting to restrain her and
she broke her collar bone, this brought in the cops and then the government
stepped in…many leaders of Camphill left because of the government coming in…basically
the government brought in its own people to run Camphill, enforced a wage
system, so outsiders were now attempting to run a place that was previously run
by a strong and committed group…some thought it was bullshit and left, others
stayed on and took the money…so currently Camphill Nottawasaga is made up of
short term coworkers with 1 year contracts who are basically young people from
around the world who are using Camphill as a travel destination or to escape
the mandatory civil service law in their country, ie, join the army or go
somewhere and do some good…the other group is the office workers and a couple
of House Leaders who come only during the day…9-5, 5 days a week…and then
there’s a small group of long termers…the long termers want the spirit of
Camphill to stay lit, but it’s hard when there’s so few now…I like the idea of
no wages…which doesn’t mean no money, it
just means sharing the money according to one’s needs, and the work that
everyone does has the same value…as well, it’s a fairly spiritual community,
and money compromises this…as does short term coworkers who use Camphill like a
hostel…basically the idea behind Camphill is to create an equal situation for
all including the companions and to find the “being behind the mask,” as they
say…the mask being their disability…and that the companions are not just people
with a disability but are living, loving people that can evolve themselves jut
like the rest of us…it’s just that each companion evolves at a different pace
and has different needs within that pace…so the core group which Tina and I
find ourselves affiliated with are regrouping so to speak and attempting to
create a vision statement and to go after it…the government is not going away,
and to be honest the government people are really good people, and they have
brought a lot of money into the community and built new houses etc…it’s just
that a balance will have to be struck in a lot of areas…no snow
yet…unbelievable really since we’re well into December…but I’m expecting to
wake up and see the ground covered one of these days…also a lot of white tailed
deer out and about.
THE CAMPHILL MANIFESTO*
*I wrote the following “Camphill
Manifesto” and sent it around to the other House Leaders and others that I felt
were on the same wavelength…I think I even wanted to photocopy it and hand it
out to everybody, but in hindsight I’m very happy that I didn’t…Manifesto’s of
any sort are generally written out of frustration at not being heard and with
things not going the way you perceive they should be going…they are generally
written by young people or psychopaths…they are usually boring to read,
judgmental, self righteous and long winded…I should probably stop there
otherwise you won’t want to read…read the Camphill Manifesto…
IS VACUUMING A CHORE? OR
THE STORY OF HOW I PREFER HARDWOOD FLOORS
The carpet in my room looked
a little dirty today, so I went into the hall closet and pulled out the vacuum
in order to suck out the dirt and bugs from the floor…the machine is loud but
does its job…the carpet is soon clean.
In Camphill everyday, the
vacuum is taken out of the closet, this happens around 5 in the
afternoon…quitting time it’s called….where people are finished their work for
the day and drive out of Camphill…their energy and their divine life force goes
with them…sucked out of the community…where do they go? Why don’t they stay?
What would happen to the community if everybody that worked here lived here?
Would more get done…more get created? Would there be a better sense of unity?
The people who leave, have outside interests, concerns and ambitions…how much
energy then is left for Camphill?
The vacuum is put away and
the carpet is clean…looking at the carpet I think that I actually prefer it a
bit dirty…that is, I think I prefer hardwood floors.
SLOWER PACE OF LIFE? THE
TURTLE AND THE HARE SIT DOWN FOR A CUP OF TEA AND DISCUSS THE POSSIBILITIES
The industrial revolution
promised us…they promised us that if we worked hard for a period of time, that
the machines would take over and do the rest.
Technology promised
us…computers, internet, cell phones, promised us less work and more play.
“Let us consider the way in which we spend our lives.
The world is a place of business. What an infinite bustle. It is nothing but
work, work, work. I think there is nothing, not even crime, more opposed to
poetry, to philosophy, ay, to life itself than this incessant business.” – Henry David Thoreau
The fact is, that in the
year 2006, people are working mere than ever…this has been absolutely
devastating on the individual, the family and on the community.
The individual who works too
much begins to suffer in many areas…stress causes disease, and sickness,
fatigue causes lack of energy and people tend to cut corners when tired…an
individual who works too much and has children has to put the children into a
daycare, or into other people’s hands…and when the individual after a long days
work comes home to his family he has no time or energy to spend on his family…and
you can forget about any kind of activity in the community…instead, the tv goes
on and the zone out begins…at Camphill the day begins around 7am…getting
ourselves and our companions ready and then getting all of us to the workshops
by 9am…1230 run home…eat…clean up…rest break…zzzzzz…workshops or orientations…dinner…clean
up…after dinner activities…including meetings or socializing with companions…in
bed by 9 or 10…and to sleep if you’re lucky enough that your thoughts will let
you…well you can see how the hare is easily winning this race…the turtle on the
other hand is moving at a much slower pace, he stops to talk with friends along
the way…and not just a meaningless - hi how are you?... - tired, okay gotta run
kind of conversations, but longer talks on the real deep meanings of life, love
and relationships…having long lasting looks into others eyes and seeing who
they are…finding each individuals divine spark…and when I say people I mean
companions and coworkers and to some extent the nature around us…the trees,
sky…the turtle knows that life is not about how fast you do things or how fast
you get somewhere but the process of doing and the process of getting there.
“The measure of a civilizations growth is its ability
to shift energy and attention from the material side to the spiritual and
aesthetic, cultural and artistic side.” – Arnold Toynbee from the “Law of progressive simplification”
WHEN YOUR HAND GETS
CAUGHT IN THE COOKIE JAR…OR COME TO CAMPHILL…IT’S A GREAT TOURIST DESTINATION
Today a big jar of cookies
was placed in front of me…I was split…past enjoyments of eating cookies flashed
before my taste receptors…but I am a practicing vegan, which means no dairy, no
refined sugar…but…nobody would mind or care if I took one or two…and nothing
would happen to me…I mean I wouldn’t keel over from a little bit of milk or
sugar…nobody would know except for me…however, what values I stand for would be
compromised.
“Nonetheless, it was during the autumn of 1940 that
we discussed the question of the compatibility of receiving salaries with our
inner intentions and came to the conclusion that to work for payment would
obscure our perception of the image of the human being which we sought to
discover in each other.” – Anke
Weihs from the biography of Karl Konig
Camphill started with the
basis that all people were created equal…no wages, sustainable living…which
means growing your own food, building your own homes, making your own
clothes…etc…fundraising, donations…it’s through this type of sustainable living
that people and communities bonded…through thick and thin…so what happens when
you take from the money jar? Well first of all, whoever gave that money wants
to see where that money went, and it’s usually with strings attached…for if
they say our way and not your way, what do you say? And when you take from the
cookie jar and other people don’t take from the jar then is that equality? And
who is to say that your work in the community is of more value than my work?
When I asked a coworker recently about how many people in the community would
be here if they knew that they weren’t going to receive wages…he said that the
majority wouldn’t be here…hmmm…people are her for money then and not for the
companions?...not to work on their spiritual development?...not to help a
community grow and be stronger?...not to learn about the land or lend a hand by
learning a skill…this is alarming to me…I mean, is Camphill merely recruiting
anybody they can get…I mean, why are you here?
THE CAMPHILL JOURNALS
Intense week here…Annette
was/is bonkers…whenever she goes home it throws her all out of balance…I think
she may be getting some abuse at home…verbally and emotionally…possibly
physical too…so when she comes back she’s on a roller coaster that we have to
try and get her off of…temper tantrums…crying breakdowns…same fucking subjects
repeated over and over again…gotta break out the patience to the max…Raptors are
7-11 but playing better ball of late(I’m a big basketball fan…the Raptors at
that time had a young Chris Bosh and had a fun team that actually ended up
doing pretty well)…snowed like crazy here today…really beautiful though…we’re
moving up to House Parents in a couple of months…which means total control of
the house that we are living in…I mean, we are really running things right now
anyway, but officially the torch will be passed to us…we’re on the Camphill
fast track as nobody usually becomes a House Leader or House Parent this
quickly…I seem to be siding with the right people here and they seem to like
what Tina and I are all about…thinking about running from my Student Loan,
they’ll never find me here!
…yesterday for the first
time since moving to Camphill, 3 weeks ago I got my first bout of asthma…I not
only have trouble breathing when that happens but I get painful muscle spasms
in my heart area that really messes me up mentally and physically…the asthma is
signaling to me that something is wrong…an alarm…not enough sleep, stress of
the responsibility of looking after companions, tending to the community needs,
tending to my spiritual needs, tending to my marriage…just not enough time in
the day to properly acknowledge all of them…I could start drinking coffee
again…a drug that brings a false sense of energy and clarity…but I know that if
I start coffee again it will bring me headaches, irritability and lack of
patience…can I forge my own path in the community a bit, which allows for me to
focus on the things that are priorities in my life…which means missing a
morning at workshop here and there, it might mean missing an orientation, a
meeting…can I allow for the divine spirit to enter into me without feeling
guilty that I’m not fulfilling some sort of obligation…for I am here for the
companions, my spiritual evolution, and to put some effort into the
community…can I do all of this without burning myself out is the question that
I wonder about right now…can I buy time for this or do I have to fuel myself up
with caffeine to make up for the lack of time…I wonder?
…I’m getting so caught up in
affairs of the mind, that I’m beginning to not notice the trees anymore, the
birds anymore…I used to meditate daily…to bring a feeling of reverence…now I’m
running around like my pants are on fire…people keep telling me to get used to
it…that this is how Camphill works…is it really?...for this is how the city
works.
The House of Raventree
underexposed…looking like it’s straight out of an Edgar Allen Poe story…winter
trees exposed
RUDOLF STEINER 101: INTUITIVE THINKING AS A SPIRITUAL
PATH
I went to sleep but I wasn’t
asleep nor was I dead…not yet…I still had some work to do, I could feel it in
my bones…sometimes you just needed a sign to tell you which way to go, or even
something subtler…that this is the way you should continue to go…the tricky
part is knowing what is a sign and what isn’t…it’s easy to go a bit mad trying
to decipher…trying to figure out the signs…there’s a lot of signs…like signs
pointing to the newest liquor store, or signs from your I-Ching dice rolls…some
use pendulums or dowsing wants, some talk to the faces in the tree bark…some
can read palms or auras…some can feel energies…some can hear the voices from
the dead…others follow more practical signs, like Waldorf teacher training
programs or Ayurvedic healing massage…there are many paths that all reach the
same destination…there are also many paths that reach dead ends…I went to sleep
but I wasn’t asleep, nor was I dead…not yet…I still had some work to do, I
could feel it in my bones…
QUESTIONS FROM THE AUDIENCE: WHERE’S ANGUS?
Drinking coffee in the
future…at the Vegetarian Lunchbox, thinking about how beautiful Wolfville Nova
Scotia is…the trees are starting to change colour…the air is crisp and clean…then
I start thinking about the armpit of Ontario…Angus…Camphill Nottawasaga was
located about a 10 minute drive outside of Angus on 300 acres of land…now you’d
think with 300 acres and a huge greenhouse with plenty of arable land for
growing all kinds of crops that you wouldn’t have to go anywhere for food…that
you’d be completely stable…but due to a lack of volunteers and strong
leadership and general chaos about everything, it was anything but sustainable...basically
chard and potatoes all the time…to the point you got grumpy saying “if I eat
one more potato or even see a piece of chard I’m burning that fucking
greenhouse down and taking hostages until I see some squash, zucchini and other
edible vegetables!”...okay…anyway…let me take you on a tour of Angus…the first thing
you hit on the way into Angus, coming from Barrie, is a gas station and a No Frills
which has nothing in it if you are a practicing vegan that wants to eat local,
organic food…next is the first strip mall, housing the movie gallery, Subway,
pet store, M+M meat shop, some herbal diet place and a liquor store…I heavily
frequented the movie gallery, pet store and of course the liquor store…next
door was a Sobeys, Mcdonalds and Shoppers Drug Mart…we had to shop everyday
because there was 9 people to feed with every meal…in the beginning Tina made a
lot of homemade cooking, but by the end she was burnt out from cooking and so
we leaned more on frozen prepared dishes like chicken burgers, meat burgers,
sausages, chicken wings, beef patties, salads and breads and spreads…I mean by
the end my appetite was shot, the routine of having 3 meals per day drove me up
the wall, the stress was getting to me…and Peter would fuck with his food like
an alchemist, but there was nothing pretty about the gold he made, ie thousand
island dressing with Pad Thai…Annette would stuff her face…Ronny would pick
through his food like a 5 year old…tough to swallow with all that in your view
finder…anyway, in Sobeys I’d load up on that shit, plus they’d have some
organic and vegan stuff on the aisles…behind Sobeys was a bit of a forest that
was my piss spot…safe and secluded…continuing on the tour, there’s some houses
and apartments sprinkled about, some motels that look unpleasant, a Pizza Pizza,
police headquarters, pawn shop, second hand clothing store that Peter always
points out nostalgically as the place where he found his “favourite futia dress”...a
Petro Canada and Esso gas station, a brokerage, a Newfie fish and chip place, a
closed down club that used to be called “12am”…another strip mall called
“Rainbow Mall” which had the Scotiabank that I went to everyday…the beer store
that I bought my “Steelback” tall cans every day, Home Hardware, a donair
place, chicken place, dollar store, couple of empty stores, another video
store, across the street was a library and behind that was a bit of a ravine
with a brown river flowing along and on the banks were the remnants of beer
cans and cigarette butts…a choice teenager hang out spot…also for your enjoyment
on the main street is a KFC, “The Pines” bar newly renovated on the outside but
a dingy dungeon on the inside…down the way is another strip mall with a Foodland,
and a bunch of other shit that I never fucked with…well hey, that’s Angus
folks…after the Main Strip you come to a fork in the road…the right path takes
you into Base Borden where they practice killing people and other violent means
of communication…but is where I went with my friend Steven to play some
grueling squash matches and then guzzle some beer in the base bar after,
usually the highlight of the week for me…the other path is off towards Camphill
where they practice peace and non-violent communication…in theory anyway.
What a fucking armpit…Angus,
Ontario folks…a place you run away from as soon as you can…run and don’t ever
look back or all you’ll be doing is buying 2-4s of Labatt Blue and wishing you
were somewhere else.
CAMPHILL CLOSE UP: RONNY
Ronny was the other coworker
in the house…German…20…he lived downstairs…was usually pretty helpful…could be
a bit strange sometimes…I remember he had a weird reaction to some blue Christmas
lights we hung in the house and needed them taken down immediately…we’d play
some basketball against each other from time to time…tall man…6 foot…glasses…I
think he got on Tina’s nerves more than mine probably because he was a super
picky eater and Tina would be slaving away making these big meals and he’d sit
there and pick through his food…he also fancied himself a bit of a ladies man…I
don’t know…all in all we could have had worse though…
QUESTIONS FROM THE AUDIENCE: WHY WERE THERE SO MANY
GERMANS?
Over half of the people
living at Camphill were of German descent…another funny joke for Tina and I was
that we were the only two Canadians living at this particular Camphill…everyone
else was from around the world…Columbia, South Africa, France and of course
Germany…what the hell were all these Germans doing here, we pondered one night
over a bottle of wine and a joint…the official party line was that they were
skipping out on some military service and replacing it with some kind of civil
service…two years at a Camphill and then they could go safely back to Germany without
having to take up arms…my thinking was that it had something to do with WW2…some
kind of karmic debt that still needed to be paid off…do some good work around
the world to pay it off…looks good for Germany and looks good on a resume…regardless
it got on our nerves, feeling like we were in Germany without the benefits of
actually being in Germany.
THE CAMPHILL JOURNALS
Very hectic day today…Tina
mangled her finger up in a hand blender and I had to drive her out to the
hospital to get glued up…also the Christmas tree fell down and ripped out the ceiling
lights and dropped a few ounces of water all over the place…add to all that I’m
feeling a bit on the sick side…but I have to get it together though as tomorrow
is a big day here in Camphill… I’m starring in a “Shepherd’s play” in front of
over 80 people...I’m one of the three Shepherds and do a bunch of physical
comedy and even do a bit of singing…if you can imagine that!?…the 12 holy
nights began last night, and supposedly the dreams you have during this stretch
will give you a heads up on the year ahead for you…so I had my first dream
session and all I can remember is playing basketball…kind of lame…so I’m doing
some yoga, meditation, and reading some eastern philosophies today in order to
hopefully bring some meaning to my session tonight…Camphill is a little slower
this week, as a lot of the companions have gone home for a few days and the
workshops are closed…
…rest break…got my coffee…Turkish
blend courtesy of Tina’s younger brother…some time to gather my thoughts…take a
look at things…religion, spirituality…those two mean different things for
me…the original meaning of religion is reconnection…and to reconnect you need
the religion…ie the priest…or even the religious community to help you become
reconnected to god, so to speak…now of course you and I both know that
throughout history kings and priests used this reconnection to practice all
sorts of oppression on the people…for their own needs whatever those
were…spirituality for me anyway, is in part an individuals quest in terms of
connecting with god or the universe or nature…whatever your word is to describe
the divine…and for me the individual on that particular quest, they don’t need
dogma or structure to feel that connection…it’s the journey, the experience…how
they handle relationships…view the world, are aware of themselves…etc…it’s a
process and it’s within the process is where spirituality lies…not in the end
result or a goal wanting to be accomplished…and this shit takes a lot of work…I
mean since I was about twenty I’ve been on a spiritual journey of sorts…and I
would be sincere with it for periods of time and then it would be too much…too
much awareness about yourself…ie…watching your thoughts…watching your
actions…looking at the choices you’ve made in your life…seeing the rhythms of
your life…etc…this shit can fucking get to you…and then I’d fuck off and be
ignorant for a time…but then I’d come back…I mean for me I’m interested in
peeling back the gobstopper layers and finding out who I am…if you take away my
hair and my dress style and my likes and dislikes…opinions…my tastes…what am I
really made up of…and if I go back far enough…which is scary because then what
you find is that what you are is really nothing…there is no permanence to
it…but instead of paralyzing me, it makes me realize that life is special and
so I really try and do things now that make me happy…for it’s when I’m happy
that I can give more of myself…it’s when I was living a life where I wasn’t
happy was when, looking back…I went into myself more, to protect me in a way…
…I mean getting married was
a great decision in my life…we are such good friends and I am so happy that
whenever I get down and think of her being in my life I come back up…and now
living in Camphill…where I’m happy to be here, I can do so much more…in terms
of being positive…
…by the way the founder of
the original Camphill…Karl Konig…a German man…who se up the first Camphill in
Scotland in the 1940s…first received the idea by reading Rudolph Steiner who
was the founder of Anthroposophy…Steiner studied many different religions and
philosophies…but Konig was a Christian and so used a lot of Christianity in
terms of how he ran Camphill…but there was a twist in that, because it was a
very active Christianity and that’s why it’s okay for me…
…Joseph Campbell…the
mythologist says “don’t do anything that isn’t play”…ie…don’t do anything…work
or relationships…that you do out of punishment, or guilt, or shame…out of duty
or obligation…or out of getting rewards even…out of duty or obligation…or out
of getting rewards even…for it’s within the playing that will enrich your life
and those around you…like when you’re in a good mood or feeling on top of the
world…you buy someone a beer or joke around with them…etc…so that’s a basic mantra
for me…play…speaking of which it’s been 12 degrees here for the past few days
and I’ve been playing bball with my coworker in the house, he’s bringing it
with some tough Euro style defense…and no jumpshots…luckily he gets worn out by
the end of the game so then I can take it to him and pull out the wins…
…but this is one of the
quite possibly fatal flaws of people and society at the moment is this
separation from what people could be compared to what people are…selfish…and
they are not only selfish…I say they but I’m guilty of that too…but I still
think that if people are given the right model to live by…and at this point in
human history people are going to have to be led into the right model because
the general population will not do it by themselves…if they are led into the
right model…which I think is smaller communities where people are more
accountable for their actions…and in turn will have to think about their
community above themselves…for you survive by the strength of the community…you
work for others, and others work for you…and these communities could be under a
variety of themes…like there’s a variety of Camphills…some Christian, some
Buddhist…some without any religious heading, you could have an environmental
community, a musical community…endless are the themes really…and these are not
just 1969 communes I’m talking about, where people are running from the man, or
trying to stick it to the man…but trying to build for the benefit of future
humans…the cities cannot support the amount of people in them now…they just
can’t…and you can’t make more highways, or give people anti-depression meds to
make it all better…and I’d be interested in seeing how people would develop
under this type of model…a lot of modern day problems would cease and desist…and
it would take people many years to be weaned off of selfish desires…but then I
don’t think that people deep down are selfish…I’ve just seen and read about
many individuals…and if they can do it, certainly we all can do it…for it would
be within us all to do…
RUDOLF STEINER 101: ANTHROPOSOPHY
The etheric body keeps my
soul in …otherwise it would leak out…too soon, there was still some work to do,
I could feel it in my bones…hopefully it was nothing too toxic or numbing or
tragic even…wish I could get a look at the blueprint though…the blueprint that
I created for this life…might help to relieve stress that everything is as it
should be…cause I didn’t get an engineering degree or any degree for that
matter…haven’t made more than $10,000 in a year in my 42 years on this planet
earth…so I know that in my blueprint I was to live cash poor…got that loud and
clear…40 different jobs in 20 different professions…in my other lives I must’ve
been pretty static and stayed in the same place…making up for that this time
round…I’ve moved so many times in this lifetime…some have suggested my past
life I lived a monastic life…some have suggested I had a developmental disability…that’s
what I found out in Anthroposophy class…before we came to Camphill…
CAMPHILL CLOSE UP: VERONICA
Veronica was the house
granny…she was one of the only people at Camphill Nottawasaga that was old
school Camphill…which meant that the Anthroposophical values that Rudolf Steiner
initiated needed to be a part of the fabric of daily life, which was a
challenge at this particular Camphill…Tina and I were taking the Anthroposophy
Foundations course in order to become Waldorf teachers in the future so we were
pretty immersed in all things Rudolf Steiner, lots of readings and
discussions…so in the beginning it was great being able to talk with Veronica
and to glean some wisdom off of her…however things began to sour and in
“survivor” power move we kicked her out of the house which was emotional and
very stressful…we didn’t speak until the day before we left…we went and said good
bye and buried the hatchet…she passed away a few years ago…a true Camphiller.
QUESTIONS FROM THE AUDIENCE: WHO IS KASPAR HAUSER?
Kaspar Hauser is the patron
saint of Camphill…his life and times are somewhat of an unsolved mystery…he
appeared abandoned in a small German town of Nuremberg in 1828…he was 17 and
could not read or write and even had trouble walking…he was somewhat adopted
and cared for by a villager and learned how to read and write and speak
socially…not much was known about his upbringing other then he was chained to a
pallet in a barnyard stall…no human contact…food was dropped off while he
slept…his water was drugged and when he was unconscious someone came in and
bathed him, cut his nails and hair…his only friend was a wooden horse toy and
that’s that for 17 years…why was he kept alive under those conditions for 17
years and then dropped off?...why not just kill him at birth?...and then someone
attempted to kill him twice in the 4 years he lived in Nuremberg and were
successful on the 2nd attempt…the murderer was never found…why would
someone kill him then?...he was just a guy with special needs…Kaspar was
thought to have been developmentally disabled…perhaps autistic…he was a bit
of a sensation and people from all over
including Royalty were interested in seeing him in person…one conspiracy theory
believes Kaspar was part of a royal bloodline and that he was supposed to
become an heir to the throne…but was switched at birth by a friend?...switched
with a dead baby and then hidden away until he appeared in his 17th
year…why?...Steiner believed the death of Kaspar stunted the soul growth of
Germans which led directly to the creation of WW1…as the patron saint of
Camphill he is looked upon as the creation of empathy personified.
THE CAMPHILL JOURNALS
Late night eastern standard
time…after a session of beer, and wine…I’m currently contemplating…feel that
I’ve bitten off more than I can chew with this Camphill thing…Camphill is tough
in that you have to be consistent…it doesn’t really allow for up and down mood
swings…anyway, the current House leader is moving to another house in a few
weeks and I’m the new House Leader of our place…survivor power moves…within 2
1/2 months I became House Leader…that’s gotta be some kind of Camphill record…I
came out of the gate strong and steady…and I find in any group situations if
you come out like that, people will feel good about you…plus they’re reworking
the wage system so I’m looking at a hefty increase in wages…possibly going
salary…add to the fact that there are no expenses and it should be a good
run…but at no time do I ever forget that shit can pop off quickly and I could
become on the outs…
…Saturday night
here…midwinter…had this celebration yesterday in the community…Candlemas…the
coming of the light…giving love and respect to the elements of the Earth…had
big bonfires…soup and sausage…hot chocolate…we all held hands and made a huge
spiral in the snow…and then we put candles in the snow….becoming a really
hardcore spiritual man…this quote sums things up…
“We are not human beings having a spiritual
experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience.” -Teilhard de Chardin
…we’re really studying about
this Anthroposophy…which is underneath both Camphill communities and Waldorf
schooling…basically, it’s about creating a spiritual consciousness in
ourselves…a consciousness that then puts this spirit into action…we’re really
in an interesting time…the world is at its tipping point and can go either
way…and it’s up to us to tip it for the good of all…
…snuck downstairs past the
three companions and the House Granny in order to steal a coworkers beer from
the downstairs fridge…we are on a day off today…slept in and then brought in
some breakfast in bed for Tina and I…Annette has been an emotional roller
coaster the last week and a half…temper tantrums, crying breakdowns…constant
worrying…constant questions…just trying to figure out ways to deal with
it…logical reasoning has little effect…nor does being stern or being calm…we
now let her alone for the most part and then try and redirect her into
something else like knitting…Christmas brings out the worst in the companions
I’m told…but we’ll get through it… another warm patch has come into the area,
taking all the snow with it…it sure was beautiful with the snow, but I’m sure
it will be back for another visit…
…crazy day today…woke up
feeling sick…took myself out of lunch and laid down…gobbled down some cold and
flu medication…next thing I know Tina’s running in…the xmas tree has fallen
down…ripping out the ceiling lights and spilling water all over the place…I can
only wave a feeble hand…fall asleep…in doze mode when Tina runs back in holding
her hand…blood everywhere…I freak out, my mind mush from sickness and medication…she’s
in shock…the hand blender took some chunks out…I don’t know what to do even
though I just took a fucking First Aid class the week before…manage to get it
together to drive her to the hospital where they glue her finger back on!…just
a hectic day, gotta get it together for the shepherd’s play that I’m in
tomorrow…big fucking part…includes physical comedy and a singing solo…way out
of my league here…in front of 80 people to boot…during the dress rehearsal in
front of the office staff I got into a giggle fit and almost couldn’t reel it
back in…fuck if I’m on medication I’ll either zone out and forget my lines or
start giggling again…gotta keep it together….
On New Years, we had a
gathering of the community in a communal space called “Novalis hall”…a coworker
painted out a picture of the world and each person put a candle somewhere on
the world…in remembrance of a dead friend, or if there was a war going on or
environmental damage…etc…then there was dancing violin and accordion live
music…snacks and champagne…it poured rain last night and is plus 6 degrees
today…I don’t think it’s ever been this warm around here at this time of year…
…Annette is having some kind
of breakdown and is constantly stressing out and crying…have to increase her depression
medication and try and rescue her or else…well or else what I’m not sure at the
moment…have a team meeting soon to discuss what we can do…things are good
here…started back to school on Saturdays again…do a little bit of yoga here and
there…nothing too crazy…playing squash every now and then with a friend In the
community…
…currently cold and snowy
with a nighttime high of around -10 degrees celcius…however all is warm and cozy
within Raventree…just running Johnny’s bath, which is his favourite pastime…I
fill it up with foam and he spends a good amount of time relaxing and
thinking…Peter’s in his room watching “Who wants to be a Millionaire”…Annette
left with her parents for San Diego for the week…she’s been doing better
lately…she hit rock bottom in the month of December and early January, but we
got her some happy pills and that, combined with some other support structures
seems to have made the difference…our House Granny came back from South Africa
where she had been visiting for six weeks…
…quite a few changes are
happening and going to happen…another House is losing 4 of its coworkers to go
back to Germany…their leaving coincides with the arrival of two new
companions…so as you can see with their leaving and two coming in there is a big
hole to fill…so our current House Leader is leaving Raventree and going over to
their house and I have become the new House Leader of our place…quite a bit of
responsibility but I’m actually up for the challenge of it…it means that I will
be leaving the woodshop and focusing all my energies into the running of the House
and all its needs…it also means more pay, how much I’m not sure…we are also
getting one new companion moving into Raventree…I say new, but he lives in the
house next to us and is a great guy…Cristos…he has to leave his current home in
order to make way for one of the new companions…we’re also hopefully getting at
least one new coworker to make up for the loss of Liz our current House Leader…so
you can see it’s a bit of a jigsaw puzzle at the moment, moving people around
and making sure it fits…what else… Tina’s finger is on the mend…still a bit
bruised and scarred but a lot better looking these days…both feeling happy and
healthy…one thing I’m trying to do is really stay out of the politics of everything
right now, this allows me to not get caught up emotionally in the whirlpool of
it all…other than that…still going to school every Saturday…we have been
studying our personal biography’s and seeing the rhythm of our lives and all
that implies…
CAMPHILL CLOSE UP: CRISTOS
Cristos loved
hamburgers…loved singing in the shower…loved john Denver country roads…loved
hanging out…loved repeating “Are we going to have hamburgers?” over and over
and over…Cristos came later to the house of Raventree… sometimes companions
switched houses due to poor chemistry issues with other companions…Cristos was
bummed out when he found out we were leaving and it makes me sad thinking about
it…he would get a little depressed if left alone and you had to make sure he
washed his bum in the shower but other than that he was a really friendly,
capable guy.
RUDOLF STEINER 101: CHRISTIANITY AS MYSTICAL FACT
People are always asking me
what it was like to be at the “Mystery of Golgatha” and what “Mystery School” I
went to and when did I first feel the “Christ Impulse” in me? I wasn’t prepared
for those questions…I was ready for basic stuff like where I was born, what my
favourite colour was, who my favourite hockey player was, who is the Prime
Minister of Canada …etc…I don’t know, maybe we’re on the upswing here, coming
up on the otherside of the “evolutionary bathtub” as Steiner liked to call it…after
being on the bottom of the tub with that grime, with that ring around the
collar…heading towards the light…higher consciousness…next level
consciousness…people are always asking me about the Mystery of Golgatha…and
what Mystery School I went to…and when I first felt the Christ Impulse…and I
tell them…because they’re ready now…ready for the truth…
THE CAMPHILL JOURNALS
Holy smokes…a whole new
ballgame a whole new day…stress out my ying yang the past week…taking over the
house and all that entails…every person I either encounter is either asking
something of me or putting more essential information into my head…just have to
ride this out until I get a better handle on things…no snap judgments or freak
outs…I’m in a new play for Easter…I play a mad man…should be a good outlet for
me…day off today…drinking beer, listening to tunes…Tina’s making a stuffed lamb
next to the window which is pouring in late afternoon sunlight…first 3 days of
the week were at the -20 mark…still 20 feet of snow…I need heat…I need
sleep…Christ if I stay up a minute past 11o’clock at night now I begin to freak
out…up at 7 everyday…getting people dressed, shaved…no time for slacker Brett
to appear…all grown up…for a stretch…
…just got back from our long
weekend…visited a couple of friends…dropped in on my mom…got a parking
ticket…chilled out and watched a couple of movies…just got promoted to House Leader
last week…you usually have to be here at least a year to get this position but
situations dictated it so…it’ll be fine and I’m up for the challenge and
responsibility of it…big snowfall last week, so it’s looking pretty as a
postcard…
FANTASY BASKETBALL
At Camphill you had to find
ways to relax and let things go…towards this end I would play video games and I
was also part of a Fantasy Basketball league…funny but both the video games and
the Fantasy Basketball would actually stress me out more!...there was a lot of
shit talking with the Fantasy Basketball stuff on the message boards and things
began to get pretty ramped up…things began to get kind of personal…for example…
Hey Dr Eye and I, (which was
my team name)
You have just been sent the
following note from “me and yer mother” (freddyfredrickson) in the yahoo!
Sports fantasy basketball league named “magic’s Johnson”…
If I ever see you again you can be sure we’ll end up
in a dark alley and you won’t walk out the same…go fuck yerself
poorsport…nobody cares…oh if this is a reflection on the values you carry into
reality…good luck! – freddy
fredrickson
…yeah things got heated to
say the least…I didn’t agree with some of the rules…this Freddy guy started
going at me…it became really negative and not fun so I quit the league…but I sabotaged
it a bit on the way out…they flipped out…death threats and beatings were
messaged at me…had to set up Raventree with trip wires and surveillance gear…all
so silly in when I think about it 10 years later…
CAMPHILL CLOSE UP: DR. FABIAN
Dr. Fabian was Camphill
Nottawasaga’s “Anthroposophical” Doctor…kind of like a Naturopathic or
Homeopathic Doctor but with a Rudolf Steiner twist…bit of a quack if you asked
my undeserved opinion…but Annette loved going there as she was a
hypochondriac…she loved talking about her various illnesses and especially
loved talking about her “orthotics” to anybody and everybody…Annette would
settle into Dr. Fabian’s couch and blab away about all kinds of mystery
ailments and concerns…one time Dr. Fabian left the room and somehow Annette had
gotten hold of his credit card…she was also a bit of a klepto…anyway, I entered
to find her on the phone reading off his credit card number to order god knows
what…while I ordered her to hang up immediately…Annette aside, I’d have to take
everyone in the House of Raventree to go see Dr. Fabian in Barrie at least once
a month…about a 20 minute drive or so…it was nice to get out of the house
usually…if I went with Peter we’d stop off and look at dresses in a thrift shop
or a café with Cristos…Johnny was trickier as he was stressful to take anywhere
because he was a bit of a ticking time bomb…Dr. Fabian…I don’t know…I swallow
the kool aid as much as anyone else but his routines felt a bit like a racket…a
bit like the old placebo effect with Dr. Fabian.
RUDOLF STEINER 101: ESOTERIC DEVELOPMENT
Talking about your dreams
and talking about your tattoos…my uncle once told my cousin to think twice abut
getting a tattoo, not because of jobs or anything like that…but because it
would be easier for the police to identify you…the police took photos of my
tattoos last time…I wonder if that was drawn up on my pre-incarnation
blueprint…Ahriman would be proud…Ahriman enjoys when people sink low…Ahriman
loves when we’re addicted when we’re heavy…when we sink…it’s how he feeds on
us, except without Ahriman we wouldn’t be challenged, therefore we wouldn’t
evolve…unless when you sink to the rock bottom you stay there…but most of us
fight…most of us when faced with challenges, work through them, work them out
and when we get to the otherside you begin to talk to people about your
dreams…you begin to talk to people about your tattoos…because then they’ll have
meant something…they have weight
A NOTE THAT WAS LEFT ON THE KITCHEN TABLE
Hi Brett: Congratulations on starting your new job as the House Leader
of Raventree. It was very evident that you are ready to assume that
responsibility. There is always much to learn as you will realize. I feel
confident that you have what it takes to guide the house of Raventree. We all
learn from each other. Whatever you recognized as my weakness you will make it
your strength and vice versa. This week we will get together and go over the
binders/files. This afternoon we can decide on the time. Whatever questions you
may have, please feel free to call or email me.
Thank you for all your support in the last three months.
Sincerely,
Liz
THE CAMPHILL JOURNALS
Time is whistling by
here…huge responsibilities…have to keep everyone in the House happy…I have to
be completely balanced emotionally to not only handle the companions in the
house but the coworkers as well…I need to make space for me and Tina…and then
for myself as well…a bit out of balance right now though…just have to ride
things out until I get a grasp…got that play coming up…the madman in an Easter
play special…also got in a squash game last week…I have a nice little run on
the friend I’m playing with…I’m able to dig deep and pull out the victories…not
that that really means anything…I’m enjoying it though…it was really cold here
the last few days, and there’s still 20 feet of snow on the ground…Tina and I
still have some red marks on our bodies…chickenpox?...allergic
reactions?...stress?...
…had our 3 day break…went to
Toronto again…had fun running around the city in the warm spring sun…yesterday
we hopped in the company car and headed north…found a hostel called the “Wolfs
Den” on the edges of Algonquin park…run by a couple…in their early
twenties…wolf pictures all over the place…they own and operate this
hostel…trying to run it and expand it to mesh with their ecological principles…the
future of humanity rests in these little communities and experiments…
…day off here…drinking beer
and hanging out…we’ve secretly started smoking weed at night…helping me sleep
as it’s really hard to get a good night’s sleep around here…paper thin
walls…companions all around us…Ronny playing pool and hitting on the ladies
directly below us…tough month for us…me personally…big responsibilities…need to
step up to the plate and put my money where my mouth is in terms of a lot of
things…
…drunken babble in my last
entry…heading there again tonight…smoking some weed…god there’s a lot of
variables during the night...Johnny waking up and screaming and moaning and
flushing toilets…Peter dragging chains and yacking to himself…Cristos blasting
John Denver out of his boom box down the hall…Ronny playing pool and
entertaining the ladies…
…on the eve of my 3rd
night off…looking to smoke some ganja without the smoke alarm going off…late
night…11:23 eastern standard time…drinking Moosehead beer…becoming unhinged…me
and Tina aren’t all that happy at the moment…crying spells and sickness from Tina,
negative rants and raves from me…had the flu this past week…and those red
blemishes?...turned out they were fucking bed bugs!!!…must’ve transported them
somehow from the Toronto situation we were in…fuck…so we had to chuck out our
mattress and wood frame…managed to find a futon in another house…being House Leader
is no fun…pressures, demands, stress…I’m so damn serious all the time…dealing
with meetings and adults…stuff pisses me off…September 2008 and we’re out of
here we’re thinking…and then never returning to fucking Ontario as long as I
can help it…looking forward to getting back to B.C….back to the Kootenays…but
back to reality…Tina asleep next to me…candle is flickering out…11:50…gotta be
up early and ready to go…just snuck off a smoke of a roach in the bathroom as a
nightcap…get some incense going…spritz some of Tina’s homemade lavender
spray…onto my fifth Moosehead beer…gotta let loose a bit…I’m exhausted…currently
trying to kick out the House Granny which is crazy stressful…14 hour days, six
days a week…lots of variables, politics…but some good things too…like in our
house for instance we really run things…that means we get to buy the things we
want to eat…vegan, organic, local, pesticide free…we help the Companions eat
better, healthier…we also work with the Companions to give them more
independence…like with Annette, we want to create a type of apartment like
setting for her upstairs…so that means kicking out the House Granny who is also
upstairs…and who is also the “cultural programmer”…but she doesn’t do a lick of
cooking, cleaning or coverage…like on our day off, we get one day off per
week…we then need to find out who replaces this is a big house…
…waaaaay past my
bedtime…drinking again…smoking joints…have some initiatives to do here and then
if they don’t work we’re outta here…beginning to crack here at Camphill…sick
and us…House Granny won’t fill in or do a lick of work except give us the stink
eye and criticize…and we are already short one coworker…so we have me and Tina
and Ronny… who is awesome with Peter, Cristos and Johnny in terms of caring for
them but won’t clean or cook…so me and Tina are carrying the load of
housework…and
depressed…I’m here for the
companions but this other stuff is breaking me down…did some work on my past
lives, might have been someone with special needs…here we go, beer number 6…
TEMPERMENT OF THE MONTH: MELANCHOLIC
Virtues…
*Deep thinker
*Compassionate
*Empathetic
*Good observer
Negatives…
*Everythings a drama
*World is full of obstacles
*Cave dwellers
*Suffers the joy
RUDOLF STEINER 101: SPIRITUAL GUIDANCE
A pinch of this, a pinch of
that…bats wings…a witches broom hair…sit and visualize what you want…clearly…pray
if you feel more comfortable…pray for that vision to happen…will that vision be
just to benefit you…or will it help your family, your community…close your eyes
and meditate…follow your breath until your mind begins to clear…the clouds
begin to break…that patch of blue…that’s where you visualize to…ask the Buddha,
ask god, ask Jesus, ask Allah, ask Krishna, ask the universe…it’s all the same
thing…be clear, be sure…and most importantly be patient…this isn’t abracadabra
and presto…it takes time for the universe to process and put things into
motion…but most importantly it does have to align with your design…in that, if
you are asking for a million dollars but in this life you’re supposed to learn
from being poor then you won’t get a dime…know your design…know your blueprint
of what you are doing on this planet at this current time…see the recurring
cycles…see the patterns of your life…if you see you will know what you need
next…a pinch of this, a pinch of that…spiders legs and a scorpions stinger…
CAMPHILL CLOSE UP: LEAH
Leah lived next door in the
house named “Tournesol”…she lived by herself in a two bedroom basement
“apartment” within that house…she was short and round…walked with a long
limp…she had a volunteer that would come and take her to things like horseback
riding or to hit the treadmill at a fitness and diet place called “Curves”…Leah
was a friendly soul, with a short fuse…she seemed to like me, and would get
excited when she saw me at the local Camphill community gatherings… “Ben!” she
would yell…”Ben!!!”…the first couple of times I didn’t know she was talking to
me…I guess Ben was a former volunteer of hers and now any male she saw and
liked thereafter was a Ben…whatever, not such a bad name to be called and so I
left it…anyway she would see me and come charging…well more of a slow
Frankenstein…arms wide open, hands clenching and unclenching…black orthotic
running shoes dragging along the ground like there should have been a ball and
chain attached…most people would’ve run for the hills if they saw such a thing
as Leah coming at them…but I stand, willing and able…she gets to me…grabs me
around my waist, and squeezes me like a ketchup bottle…releases…grabs my
wrists, digging her nails into them…now of course this is in front of everyone
in Camphill, who have all been stuffing their faces…they now stop, mid stuff
and watch…small smiles of knowing…thankful it isn’t them… “Ben, can you help
me!” she burps and then starts shaking…shaking herself up like a can of
pop…community potlucks would really get her going…she had an eating problem so
she would be in heaven at a free for all potluck…her cupboards at home were all
locked up and she was given daily rations of crackers and cucumbers…so when the
potlucks hit…oh boy…brownies, cakes and pastries…entrees of pizza and
pasta…starters of cheese and olives…Christ she just couldn’t control herself…so
she would jump and froth and scratch me all over…begging me to help her get all
the food onto her plate that the plate could manage and then get it all safely
to a table or chair…by the end of it all I stopped going to the community
potluck gatherings…by the end, I stopped going to any community gatherings…
THE CAMPHILL JOURNALS
We have a new addition to
the Taylor family…a seven week old puppy we named Mischief!...we figured it wasn’t
challenging enough here at Camphill…so we thought a puppy would pep things
up…it’s half border collie and half beagle dog…almost fed it to the coyotes
last night when it pissed in our bed…it’s pretty much pissed everywhere in our
room…and is now working on chewing up everything in sight…if it wasn’t so
cute…currently have a huge carrot up my ass called responsibility…kind of rocky
times right now…feel like ditching this whole Camphill experience…but my tubes
are a bit tied…Mischief puked up some pasta on Saturday…but then the pasta
started to move…that’s not pasta…those are worms!!!
…so here’s the story with
mischief…picked her up at a farm owned by this guy that’s trying to make raw
milk legal in Ontario…cops are all over his ass…it’s shit like that that really
pisses me off…money and time and bullshit that the government wastes on
something like raw milk!?…it’s better to drink the hormone and chemical laced
legal stuff eh?...anyway, picked up the puppy under police surveillance…tomorrow
I have to go to the vet in Barrie and get some pills to nuke those worms in her
system…thinking of moving to Halifax…first gotta get out of this nightmare…two
psychotic companions in the house ready to go off at all times… Annette is
screaming and yelling as I write…which upsets Johnny who starts screaming…then
I start screaming…then everyone starts screaming…I got into a physical
altercation with Annette…shoved her a bit… yep…I’m right on the edge of my
tipping point…I can see it…keep the car running at all times…and flee like a
rat when the ship starts sinking…
…man oh man, what a last
week…currently picking at the scabs from the wounds I received…bad omens like 1)seeing
a dead woman on the side of the road, 2)a giant hunchbacked rat in between Tim
Hortons and a Mcdonalds, 3)a dead mouse with a snapped neck from a mouse trap
in our car, 4)a jar of dead ants found in Peter’s food cupboard…Christ all those
signs are directing me to Hell it feels like…Annette attacked her pottery
master today and bit her on the arm and then ran home and cut off all her hair
to the bone as a kind of guilt trip…patchy and funny to look at…then she
attacked our House Granny, punching and hitting…had to kick out the House Granny
because her and Annette weren’t getting along…drama, emotion…Johnny had a
change in medication and reacted to it by going into non-stop seizures…had to
call the ambulance and then he refused to get on the stretcher…stress and
strain…reacted by downing a six pack of tall cans in a couple of hours…passed
out and woke up the next morning to an angry Tina next to me…guess I woke up in
the middle of the night and pissed all over the floor!!!...pretending to be our
dog I guess…barely hanging in there…hit a wall…burnt out and all the rest…6
months in…
…anyway…I got poison ivy all
over my legs…wake up in the middle of the night scratching away, which spreads
it even more…nice…combine that with some bigtime burnout…Camphill is dying for
us…
CAMPHILL CLOSE UP: LEAH PT.2
The worst thing about Leah
wasn’t the fact that she would say my name wrong or maul me to death at the
potlucks…or if I saw her somewhere else, she would talk my ear off…it was the
fact that she had a reputation for torturing and killing animals…the story of
when her cat…oh boy…the story of when her cat scratched her and she got mad and
stuffed it into a sack and dragged it down to the barn, where she put a noose
around its head and left it hanging from the rafters, to be found the next
morning by a villager…another weirder sort of story of her dancing and playing
with a goat until it got her goat, whereupon she broke the goat’s hind leg in
half…or the other stories of chickens, rabbits, more cats, dogs…so when we
brought a little puppy home with us one day and her care worker told us these
stories we were a little concerned…Leah had anger management issues, a long rap
sheet of cruelty and outright murder with animals, and she lived just steps through
my mind… away…and to top it off, she of course loved our dog…whenever she saw
one of us she would say “I love your dog!” over and over…you see, the house of
Raventree that we resided in, had a big kitchen that was connected by sliding
door to a screened in solarium that was connected by a door to a back porch
that connected to Tournesol, which connected to Leah’s basement apartment…being
busy people, we kept our dog in the solarium…sometimes we weren’t
around…sometimes Leah came around when we weren’t around…knowing Leah’s
capabilities we would always have our guards up…but as we all know about
guards, they are human and from time to time guards will let their guards
down…so when we came back from shopping one time, we saw Leah coming out of the
solarium and upon seeing us she says “I didn’t mean to hurt your dog”…instant
images of Mischief swinging from the rafters, or with her head snapped, tongue
ripped out, eyes gauged, tail severed…all those sprinted luckily when we ran
up, Mischief was there wagging her tail…alive and all body parts accounted for,
happy as can be…however, from then on we kept her in our bedroom, piss and shit
on the carpet be damned…it was funny but the last thing Leah said to us before
we left Camphill was whether or not we were leaving our dog behind…wishful
thinking Leah…wishful thinking…
THE CAMPHILL JOURNALS
Break out the cigars it’s
over in Camphill…end of October we leave…earlier if it wasn’t for the
companions…make no mistake, the companions make this place real special…it’s
the so called “normal people” of course that fuck it up…don’t let them you say…feeling
mischievous so I planted some Marijuana seedlings in the backyard…a deliberate
act of sabotage…planted them next to the Stinging Nettle…got a two hour presentation
on Kaspar Hauser tomorrow at the Waldorf school…way past my bedtime…drunk on
Portuguese port and Moosehead…shots of weed…regardless…I strive…
Instead of “Where’s Waldo?”…it’s
“Where’s the Marijauna?”…we planted some marijuana seeds in the backyard as an
act of rebellion before we left but were found out and told to remove them
ASAP!
…we’ve become a bit unhinged
here at Camphill…the weeks have taken their toll…breaking us down…we leave the
first week of November…tired, constantly tired…up at 7 done by 9…we get our car
up and going tomorrow and then get a few days off this week…Tina’s
birthday…going on a roadtrip to see some nature…I think we are going to spend
the winter on the east coast…177 days to go…
…the straw that really broke
the back happened on Saturday night…we leave end of August now…sooner than
thought…House Trip to Blueberry Island next Tuesday for 10 days and then a 3
week vacation…come back for a month and that’s it…so basically a little over a
month more of total Camphill time…I’ve been through a lot worse than these 7
months in Camphill but it will be in my top 5 for sure…Saturday night
then…after a calm day, Johnny let out a primal scream from his bedroom…ran
out…went into the bathroom, picked up the porcelain lid that covers the water
tank and smashed the toilet to smithereens…Tina and I look at each other…run
into the washroom…blood everywhere…toilet pieces everywhere…Johnny has turned
into the Hulk and is screaming violently in his bedroom now…I run in and he
throws a bedside table against the wall and then rips down a large bookcase
with books onto the floor…now it’s just Tina and I with Johnny and 3 other
companions who are scared shitless at this point…as are we…I tell Johnny to get
out of the house immediately…he gets up and goes out…tosses another table over
on the way down the hall…outside he gets a box of wood and tosses it…I lock the
glass door…he turns around and comes up to the door…demons in his eyes…wild
animal eyes…he starts to bang on the glass door which I think he’s going to
smash through…so I open the door and we have a staring standoff…and in my head
I’m like “fuck I’m about to get into it with a special needs adult”…so I tell Johnny
to “calm down, you are not coming into a peaceful house with this kind of
violence”…Tina then comes and gets him to sit on a deck chair and manages to
massage him…anyway I run next door to get some backup…another coworker is
there…Wolf’s his name…ask him to watch Johnny while we clean up…we then pop
some serious drugs into Johnny which knock him out for the rest of the
night…phew…a ticking time bomb that man…of course I hear after from other
people that he’s one of the most violent in the community so that was nice to hear…considering
he lives 10ft away from our room!…add that to all the other House shit, and we
were like fuck this…we just don’t have the tools to deal with this…as it
stands, he doesn’t eat with us at the table for the moment…bring his food on a
tray into his room…ready with pills and clubs a the bedside at night, just in
case…had to chug back a bottle of Merlot that night to calm myself down…off to
dinner…
REACTIONS FROM THE AUDIENCE
“BRO my mouth dropped bro that’s fucked! Heavy
situation, happy you guys going to leave shortly…some things are difficult but
are good for us, but this sounds bloody silly…although I’m sure if you had
gotten into a scrap with a special needs adult, in about 10 years it’ll be
something to laugh about!” - David
“Sweet Jesus! That is freakin crazy. I once had to
throw down with a special needs kid in high school. He was a Hulk Hogan fan and
he heard me saying Hogan sucks and the kid lost his marbles and jumped on me. I
ended up walking over to a tree with him on my back. I smashed him into the
tree and knocked the wind out of him. Needless to say I hightailed it out of
there before I had to do any explaining. They shouldn’t have non-medical
professionals dealing with violent residents. I’m wondering how closely the
government is even monitoring Camphill? You gotta get out of there, chalk it up
as a resume enhancing experience.” - Donovan
BLUEBERRY ISLAND INQUIRY
Hi there, this is Brett from
Camphill and the house of Raventree…I was hoping to put some payments towards
that cabin we were hoping to rent from you for our House trip between June 18
and July2…we want to go ahead and sign whatever needs to be signed and send
some cold hard hash or a very warm cheque your way!...thanks
“BLUEBERRY ISLAND” FESTIVITIES KICK OFF WITH AN EMAIL
TO MY DAD
Hey dad…Tina and I are off
on a holiday with the House tomorrow…we’re going a few hours up north to a
cottage on an island called Blueberry Island…Ronny and 3 of the companions are
coming with us…Johnny is staying behind because he lost it and went on a
violent rampage in the House which was also the last straw that finished us off
here at Camphill…we leave now at the end of August…It’s basically mission
impossible here…4 companions, understaffed…cooking, cleaning, laundry, finances,
shopping, doctors and dentists, appointments, a million meetings…way too
much…and now add a guy that is capable of a great deal of violence living steps
away from us…no way…plus there’s too much politics in the community…we’re outta
here…we’re moving to Nova Scotia in the fall and hopefully get into some
meaningful work that won’t kill us emotionally, mentally, and spiritually…not
to say we didn’t learn a lot here, and living with the folks was a very special
experience…but we’re not martyrs that will wallow in unhappiness for very
long…so back on the road again…live and learn…we got our car back up and
running, fixed up…we had to hop through a lot of hurdles to get the car
repaired, insured and licensed…so that’s done…Mischief is doing well…anyway, a little
note to give you an update…
THE BLUEBERRY ISLAND JOURNALS
…Day 7 on BLUEBERRY
ISLAND…on a Housetrip…Ronny, Tina, Brett, Cristos, Peter and Annette…day 6 was
and is to be called “into the shit”…Mischief is here too…right now she thinks
the entire world is edible…sticks, stones, ants, spider webs, lake water, her
own shit, pieces of dry wall, towel, rugs, humans…
If only we knew what awaited us on
Blueberry Island we’d get off that boat immediately!!!
…Day 6 break down…Annette
has and is becoming more and more like Golem from Lord of the Rings…muttering
to herself…possessive of her area where she sleeps, eats and watches movies…a
mound of junk food in front of her…boxes of Wagon Wheels…donuts, Doritos, fruit
drinks, Powerades, Skittles, Caramel popcorn, instant coffee, licorice…makes
the stomach turn to see…she’s watched movies continuously from 7am to 11pm at
night…easily approaching 30 movies watched…she won’t leaver her space because
she’s afraid someone will enter into it and eat her precious snacks or watch
her precious movies…she screams and rages at Peter Newman if he makes a comment
towards her…she screamed at Ronny who sat on the chair she usually sits on during
meals…day 6 climaxed when Tina saw that Annette was trying to make a number of
long distance calls on the phone and when Tina took the phone from her, Annette
attacked…biting Tina on her arm…Tina’s arm is bruised and swollen from the
bite…as punishment we cut her movie time to two movies per day…
Annette aka Golum surrounded by her precious
snacks
…Day 7 then…erupted in
violence once again…Annette was watching “Magnolia” when Peter came in and sat
down…however the back door was blocking his view and he attempted to close it a
bit so he could see better…Annette flipped out and shoved Peter aside…he’s 80
but is a tough guy even in a Futia dress…she pushed back and they fought each
other at the door…she broke one of Peter’s earrings that he’s currently trying
to fix next to me…I’m basically ready to call the cops and haul her off to
jail…she’s aggressive and becoming more violent…
…but back to Day 6 “into the
shit”…Peter believes he sees a light bulb floating in the piss and shit at the
bottom of the outhouse toilet…he then gets it into his head that the light bulb
can still be of use and attempts to retrieve it with his hand…he reaches as far
as he can into the shit tank but no luck…but Peter is very resourceful so he
tries to find a stick that he can use…off he goes into the bush and comes back
with a stick that he is confident will do the job of saving the light bulb from
a dark and shitty future…I then inform Ronny of Peter’s intentions and he leaps
from the patio chair and states “over my dead body”…and runs up the stairs to
meet Peter at the outhouse door…an argument ensues…pros and cons from both
sides reach a stale mate…Peter is determined…Tina comes to the rescue by
telling Peter that all his dresses will be taken away if he continues with his
shitty plan…Peter upon seeing his beloved dresses in a garbage bag, drops the
stick and moves away from the outhouse…from code red to the tranquility of code
blue…pastel blue if you’re more inclined…danger averted…for now…for that moment…I
mean what was Peter going to do with the light bulb anyway?...when he fished it
out from the depths he would obviously want to hold it, want to clean it…shit
would be on his hands, arms, face, hair…on his Futia dress…a big shit eating
grin on his face no doubt as he would enthusiastically show and tell us that he
saved this poor light bulb from a shitty future…Christ…I mean If Christ
happened upon that scene he might just wash his hands from humanity forever…
Peter and Cristos discussing the days events over non alcoholic beers and futia dresses.
…Day 6 still
then…midnight…after a successful night of drinking white wine and smoking a
joint we hear Peter making a move for the outhouse…for we all know Peter very
well by now and his obsessions can last for days…so we knew that he was up to
something…so Ronny and I crept out to do a little nighttime spying…the night
was warm, the moon full and the air still…which allowed the mosquitos to have a
late night feast on me as I hid behind a tree observing…watching Peter, his
flashlight illuminating the shithouse interior…suddenly he makes his move with
the stick again… “he’s going in,” I whisper to Ronny who then leaps out and
sprints to the outhouse…the door flies open and Ronny grabs at the stick…Peter
holds on with all his strength…both battle in that ancient way, under that old
moon…whether it not be for a lady’s honour or for a country’s independence,
matters not…I watch frozen in my place…there’s nothing I can do…suddenly Peter
teeters backwards…his balance is off…he lets go of the stick and falls back
onto the toilet…”holy shit, that was close” I say to Tina when I come back
inside…”the world was just saved from a shitty demise”…raise your glasses then
my friends…to a carbon free world…
…Skip ahead to Day 8 then…Annette
has really swung off her vine…she’s paranoid...accused Ronny, me and Peter of
stealing a cookie off of her…she’s psychotic…violent, delusional…just stuffing
her face all day…watching movies till her eyes pop out…happy and with jokes one
minute…threatening to kill the next…does she have the capacity to kill?...she
has demons in her eyes, it’s true, Tina’s seen them, I’ve seen them too…she
presses play on the vcr…the movie… “The Deer Hunter”…these could be my last
words that I write…
POST TRAUMATIC STRESS SYNDROME
Fucking nightmare of a house
vacation…Tina got bit…I’m so raw and emotional right now…off on vacation on
Wednesday…good lord do we need it…
…1.5 days to go until
vacation…tomorrow is going to be busy as it can get…running around getting
things sorted out for the people that will be taking over Raventree while we
are gone…trying to catch some mice that seem to be hiding out in our car…killed
two already with signs that there may be more…worse is that it smells like dead
mice in the car…so I hot boxed the “dove” (the car’s nickname) with around 15
incense sticks burning to get the smell changed…gonna go out now and see if I
caught anything…
…christ barely got off
Blueberry Island where we went on our House vacation…got into a tussle with
Annette who turned into Golem…for real…bit Tina…I lost it a bit and went after her…shoved
her around and then put her into a finger lock and told her to “not fuck with
me” with such force that she settled down after that…can you believe that
shit!?...getting into it with a special needs person like that!?...fuck, my
emotions are cooked right now…3 more days til freedom!!!…the dove is primed and
ready…its 1993 engine rumbling and grumbling ready to eat up the road…
…just came back from 3 weeks
of paid vacation…went to Manitoulin island…drove around Manitoba…stayed in
Winnipeg…out of Camphill August 15th…has to be done…hoping to get
into Toronto on Saturday to store some stuff at my uncles…
WOLFVILLE, NOVA SCOTIA
We did it! Got us a 3
bedroom house here in Wolfville, Nova Scotia…what a beautiful town…University
town…off the Bay of Fundy…tides move in and out…red brown mud plains…we got a
private little three bedroom in a peaceful area…cottage style…wake up and just
see the green of the trees…peaceful…living with special needs adults is
definitely interesting and special in many ways, but the downsides are
severe…chilling out in a coffee shop that has wireless internet for our
laptop…get internet and phone at home tomorrow…Tina’s out job hunting…I’m
washing dishes at a local restaurant…actually got the job before we had the
place, swore I’d never work in the restaurant business again but here I am…gotta
get the money flowing in…they have a Camphill kind of thing in Wolfville too
that I’ll try and get into in a few months after the burn out is gone…drove out
with our car jammed with stuff…the crazy part was that we had no idea where we
wanted to live other than Nova Scotia…didn’t know anybody either…heard good
things about this area and checked it out…seemed to mesh with what we were
looking for so we camped a few days and drove around looking for
housing…there’s a university called Acadia here, so there’s stiff competition
for jobs and housing…managed to find a spot, just when our positive energies
were failing…
…August 22nd,
2007…Wolfville, Nova Scotia…sitting on the front porch…mild, sunny
afternoon…big leafy trees providing shade…puppy sleeping at my feet…wife
napping in the bedroom…spent the morning at a farmers market buying local
organic produce…later I played the guitar, read, took the dog for a leisurely
walk through tree lined streets in a cozy nook of a neighbourhood…made coffee
and read magazines…the good life…left Camphill 10 days ago…the stress, the
madness...Apocalypse Now…Saigon…the scars have begun to heal…scab up…the horror
stories turning into comedy routines…those last days at Camphill, Johnny was
going mental…HERE’S JOHNNNNNY!...like a volcano ready to explode again…
all the signs were there…non
stop toilet flushing…demanding…hostile…threatening…finally he bullied Tina for
some orange juice and then when she told him to cool it, he started banging on
the fridge door, intimidating her…she told him to go back to his room…he got
there and began moaning and yelling inaudible words…after hearing this for days
I just snapped…anger flashed like white lightning…I rushed into his room and
jumped on him on his bed, grabbed his hands and got close to his face telling
him to “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!”…his eyes became crazed and we struggled
with each other…I told him to get out of the house…he lunged passed me and out
into the hall where he tossed a table over, sending a ceramic flower pot
crashing and smashing to the floor…outside he picked up a lawn chair and threw
it over the porch…and then he jumped onto the trampoline where he bounced
around to get that bad energy out…after that he came back into the house, I
popped him a couple of Zyprexa’s to change him from the Hulk back into Dr.
David Banner…holy fuck…and then later that night after the Johnny Hulk storm,
we came back home after visiting some Camphill friends who lived in Angus…visiting
friends was something that we couldn’t do very much because we were handcuffed
to the house of Raventree…we hear Annette screaming out her window…”THAT STUPID
ASSHOLE!!!”…her voice carrying out into the clear moonlit sky…just ranting and
raving…wondering where the new house parents are, the ones that have just taken
over from us…probably hiding downstairs behind their broken English and refusal
to do anything that took them out of their motto of “taking it easy, man”…so up
Tina goes to do a round of counseling…getting Annette calmed down…no pills
needed…hugs and tears all round…what a fucking 9 1/2 months…each day so much
shit happened that by the end of it I needed a keg of moonshine to take off the
edge…hey you know what I did yesterday?...i flossed my teeth!...didn’t have
time to do that at Camphill!...it’s the little things that you put on the
scales to create balance in your life…
When we first arrived at
Camphill I was ready to make a difference with the companions…helping the House
and community with anything I could do…from acting in plays to taking part in
late night meetings that would create positive change…I was present, I was
energetic, I was active, I was there with a smile, with a positive mental
attitude…I worked hard…I didn’t smoke or drink…I was dependable…responsible…and
then the rainbow started to get eaten away…started smelling the cow manure…I dropped
out of everything…no more meetings…started doing less around the house, my
attitude changed…less positive…more critical, more cynical…I started trying
less…hanging out in my room more, thinking about the future that didn’t include
Camphill anymore…started drinking more…smoking weed in our room more…less
responsible…less dependable…I was starting to check out more and more…when I first
arrived in Camphill I was ready to make a difference…but by the end…
As we were driving down the
road, leaving Camphill for good…people came running across the field…companions
and coworkers…friends…they ran across the field…they through flowers on the car
and waved good bye…a nicer way to leave a scene I’ve yet to encounter
again….Camphill…10 years later as I read all this I wish I could do it over
again…I would be stronger, more balanced…less moved by passions and emotions…could’ve
stepped back better…enjoyed the ride more…sometimes I miss Camphill…I miss the
Companions…I miss having that meaning in everything I did…it’s a place where
you can make a difference in people’s lives…Camphill…sometimes I dream of
Camphill…
Annette as the Camphill dream
angel…floating down to ask me if I think “Jamie likes her?”…what I think those “blemishes”
are on her wrist…when her orthotics are “arriving in the mail” and whether or
not her mother has the right to tell her “how much food she can eat”…it’s all a
dream, 10 years later
EPILOGUE
Hi Brett, how are you guys?
Sorry I’ve not gotten back to you sooner, I’m hopeless with the email thing. So
you got your selves set up on the Bay of Fundy, I’m jealous stuck here in the
arm pit of the world…Angus. How is Mischief making out, enjoying the fresh sea
breeze no doubt!
Crrrazzzy Camphill, gets
crazier every day even though I’m tucked away in the wood shop I get wind of
the evil happenings! Last week the house leaders in Raventree (I’m not
mentioning any names!!!) felt it was necessary to call the cops because one blonde
(slightly hysterical) lady had a freak out.
Veronica is trying to
spearhead a new group called “twinkle-toes” don’t ask!, to tackle some pressing
issues, namely her housing situation amongst others.
I can’t for the life of me
find a positive thing to say other than the garden is doing really well, lots
of produce, the annual intake of coworkers have arrived, look like a good bunch
of youngsters.
We are all well, yours truly
played squash against Wolf this past Sunday and thrashed him, evidently he was
drinking beer the whole afternoon and wasn’t up for the challenge, was a good
workout anyways.
Hope you are both well, and
look forward to hearing from you in the not to distant future.
Cheers steven.
EPILOGUE PT. 2
Just crowned the first
bottle of beer for the evening, just got back from the annual Christmas
festivities at Camphell, you were the Shepherd last year this time…it’s a bunch
of different people. I was actually sitting at a table with Appolo and Susan,
they all seem well (I mean it is Christmas after all) old Pete was complaining
about his head or stomach, I forget which…two of your favourite people are
leaving Camphill at the end of this month, you’re not going to believe
this…Veronica and Liz…yip, Veronica is moving down to Hesperis but will still
be doing music in the village twice a week and Liz is moving down to Kitchener
or some where there abouts. The garden have just hired an assistant land guy
who will be working with Dave and Norbert. Let me take this time to wish you
and Tina the very, very, very best Christmas and we look forward to seeing you
in the new year.
Ps how is Mischief doing?
Pps I’m going to kick your
ass at squash!!!
Cheers steve and the gang
CRISTOS
PETER
ANNETTE AND JAMIE
SIN CITY
Brett and Tina joining in the fun
Veronica the "House Granny" looking kind of scary
Hmmm...Peter and Ronny in an odd couple pose
Norbert ran the Bio Dynamic farm and
was the House Leader of Sunrise
Heeeeere's Leah!
Peter could be pretty hard to handle...he used to visit Raventree for lunch once a week...he liked John Deere tractors and watching the cars on the highway
Here's Diane reading some Tea leaves
Wolf was a relief worker and a really good guy
Patrick, Marisa and their son Kia...Patrick was Veronica's son and currently lives in Duncan working as a Tow Truck driver
SKILLS TO PAY THE BILLS?
BIRTHDAY PARTY INVITATIONS
CAMPHILL CHARACTERS
Trevor loved to roam around Camphill scavenging...
he was like a little friendly gnome
Anna lived next door...she passed on i heard...she freaked Tina out one time by talking in a really demonic voice...she was cute but a little twisted
Richard worked in the woodshop with me...a really nice guy that enjoyed asking questions about your life...
Mike also worked in the woodshop...he enjoyed reading the newspaper most of the time
Steven (center) was a good friend for me...he was the woodshop leader while i was there...we became good friends and had some great squash matches
Norbert cooking up some yummy chicken!
Gotta love the bowling nights!
Camphill even made its own maple syrup!
Wagon ride!...hop on...
We also took companions to a nearby stable to ride horses...
Jamie giving the thumbs up
Lots of walking and biking opportunities in Camphill
Camphill faces the elemental storm forces!
Lots of snow at Camphill Nottawasaga!
Camphill even had Highland Cows!
CAMPHILL FOR LIFE
That's my tattoo representing my time at Camphill...
...aka...Candle on the Hill...the candle is still burning strong!
Camphill for life!...Tina and Brett giving the "C" sign
I have so much love for Camphill...what a place...i'm so happy it exists...so happy that i experienced it...blood, sweat and tears...it was all worth it...love to all the companions especially Peter, Annette, Cristos, and Johnny...love to everyone i worked with...love to my wife Tina for experiencing it with me...love to the House of Raventree...love to Camphill Nottawasaga